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Courage, some have said, is not the absence of fear, but the control of it.
Hmmm. Control. That’s a word that seems to come up often in conversations about keeping young people safe from pornography. Control the media that comes into your home. Control the time spent online. Exercise self-control over the sites you visit. Age controls for accessing different tech devices or social apps, etc.
If we’ve got things so under control, how does fear or courage factor in?
Teens, meet your Goliath(x3)
For young people today, avoiding pornography isn’t just about controlling where they go online, it’s so much more layered than that. It’s learning to hold their own among peers. Looking away when everyone is urging them to look more. Daring to be different than the crowd. Yet, somehow still looking cool. Sometimes it’s even about standing true to your resolve while trying not to offend your best friend.
At an age when fitting-in can mean everything, rejecting pornography, which is everywhere, can take the greatest courage. Some might call it a David and Goliath scenario—except this time there are no less than three giants to take down.
- First, the relentless efforts of the porn industry targeting young people
- Second, the pressure to conform; the “everyone is doing it” mentality
- Third, curiosity and the body’s natural interest in sexualized content
On second thought, this sounds terrifying.
What is it then that makes a young person resilient to porn’s alluring, yet dangerously addictive trap? Is it simply determination? Is it superior info? Could it be quick mental acuity when tremendous odds loom on the horizon?
Mom interviews teens
One of our readers decided the best way to find out was to ask. She recently sat down with two teenage boys (age 15 and 17) who were willing to share what has helped them most in becoming resilient to porn, both in private and among their peers. They’ve each braved many a situation when compromising images were stuffed into their faces—by friends who laughingly wanted to ‘share the joke’.
Continue reading as these boys candidly relate relevant, practical advice on what helped them face their fears and take control of their circumstances.
Hint: it has much to do with awesome parent/child communication. (So you know, I’m lovin’ this!)
Teens reveal 8 ways to build up the courage to resist porn
1. Being entrusted with adult-level information
Both teens shared how much they appreciate that their parents were willing to give them adult-level information from a pretty early age.
“Conversations in our home were always very matter-of-fact. And our parents didn’t shy away from topics like pornography. It’s not like they said, ‘Oh don’t look at that, because it’s bad’. No. They shared with us real facts. We knew why porn was dangerous. Like, it has the ability to alter brain chemistry. It can be addictive. And it can alter future relationships in a bad way.
Our parents realized they couldn’t be with us in every situation, so I think they were trying to give us the information to choose for ourselves. Ultimately, everyone has to act according to our own terms.”
2. Making the decision ahead of time
One of the boys observed that if your position is clear at the outset, your friends tend to respect your boundaries. But if you don’t make it clear, then you’re a target and they’ll keep pressuring you.
“It’s kind of like being offered street drugs at school when you’re like 13 or 14. Sellers are watching for any hesitation in your answer. The less convincing your ‘no’ is, the more pressure is applied—either cajoling, taunting, or shaming. The seller knows that if you’re undecided, there’s always a chance to win someone over and make a sale.
It’s the same for porn. Even though it’s usually your close friends sending you inappropriate stuff, you gotta know where you stand, or they’re going to keep sending you more of the same—or worse!”
3. Knowing where our parents stood on the issue (& why)
Modern culture may view truth as a relative concept. But teens actually appreciate knowing where their parents stand on issues that are relevant in their day-to-day interactions. Explain to your child clearly why you think pornography is a threat to their health and safety. Help them find ways to protect themselves. In this way, you are positioning yourself as an ally—ready to protect, support and back their rights in circumstances you acknowledge are less than ideal.
The teens both said their parents’ intentional talks about pornography became a base from which they could form their own thoughts. Being able to return to the ‘solid ground’ was important when others had so much to say with such widely varying opinions.
4. Nurturing respect for women
Many pornographic themes are especially degrading to women, with violence and female subordination being the norm. When young viewers (boys especially) find themselves caught in this type of sexual fantasy, the notion of it being exploitative is not likely to register. Furthermore, having no other sexual script to refer to, female degradation may start to seem normal over time.
It’s important to continually nurture and reinforce respect for women. Most boys have at least one female in their life that they love—mother, sister, or friend. Encouraging teens to consider what it takes to produce pornography and its impact on the lives of real women can be an eye-opener for many. The two boys interviewed agreed. A quick reminder that pornography features somebody’s sister or mother gave them the impetus to turn away.
5. Knowing how to say no, and still have friends
Feeling secure in one’s identity during the teen years can be tough. Acceptance from and support of peers is paramount. As such, it can be a delicate issue standing up to peers without coming across as smug or sounding overly pious. At times, teens need to know how to refuse the porn passed along by a friend, while still preserving the friendship itself. (Keep in mind that these ‘sharing friends’ may come from homes where the use of porn has acceptability.)
One of the boys noted how important it was to get it right.
“It may sound weird to most adults, but you almost have to come across as polite in your refusal to use porn. Friends are always flashing inappropriate things in your face. One thing that helped me was to practice ‘mock scenarios’ with my parents. Eventually, I figured out what to say and the right tone of voice. I also became expert at knowing how to avert my eyes in a cool way.”
6. Having parents you can trust
Both teens said that although it was important to know what their parents felt about pornography—two other things were equally important. First, that they weren’t going to get in trouble if they slipped up. Second, they had someone to talk to at home about their struggles.
“Because of the way our parents approach the subject, I feel like they’re not going to ‘freak-out’ or punish me if I come to them with a problem. That’s super important to me.
If I thought they’d restrict my friends or set really harsh limitations on what I could do, it would have been a lot harder for me to trust them. But because I do trust them, they’ve helped me see what constitutes a ‘good friend’ and helped me solve a few tricky situations.“
7. Choosing supportive friends
It’s not uncommon for explicit images to get passed through apps like Snapchat and Instagram. In an effort to appear cool and hip, many boys will tap on the post, then put it under the nose of their friend to rate its shock value. The receiver’s reaction will determine how often they get targeted in the coming days …or not at all.
One of the teens credits his friends with helping to keep this type of exposure to a minimum. As a group, they resist in solidarity with each other.
8. Being ultra-aware about where they are and how to leave
Speaking realistically, the boys say there is no way to guarantee you won’t run into porn—even after you’ve made a conscious decision not to seek it out.
“You gotta be smart about where you hang out. If there are no parents around, or boredom sets in, that’s usually when the porn comes out. It’s like you have to have your exit strategy in mind before you go anywhere. There’s always the potential to get caught. Your job is to know when and how to make polite goodbyes and leave before getting caught up in it.”
Forewarned is forearmed
By adopting the mantra forewarned is forearmed, we believe teens (like the two young men above) can successfully summon the courage to resist porn. It’s not just luck. There are some secret weapons that helped them put circumstances of their youth squarely under their control.
- Relying on the support and insight of parents,
- Being aware of important information (about pornography),
- Having a healthy, respectful perspective of people & locations, and
- Knowing how the choices made today impacts their future.
With direction, teens can victoriously fight-off the seemingly overwhelming giant that the pornography industry is.
After all…David did win his battle…and our kids can too!
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Are you ready to make a change?
At Parents Aware we always encourage you to draw support from family and trusted friends. But we know there are times when you need additional support, direction, and even courage from an experienced voice.
I’m inviting you to connect personally with me today. Bring me your toughest question or your biggest frustration about raising kids in this porn-saturated culture.
Maybe you’re feeling very much alone right now. Like, no one understands your worries and concerns. I remember feeling that way. But honestly, there’s no need to do this on your own! Parents Aware is a community that understands.
For more information about how to connect with your coach (that’s me!), send me a confidential message below. Let’s set up a time to talk!
Marilyn
- Teens Reveal 8 Ways to Build Up the Courage to Resist Porn - April 26, 2019
- Survival Instincts: The New Language of Tween Girls - April 17, 2018
- When Porn Attacks Your Family Like a Monster Refusing to Quit [Reader Story] - May 25, 2017
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