After a series of revealing conversations with her 12-year-old daughter, one proactive mom learned there’s new vocabulary circulating among tween girls in the schoolyard. Turns out, their inventive language is a way to navigate the rapidly changing attitudes of boys influenced by porn culture. These girls are categorizing their classmates based on their acceptance or rejection of pornography.
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At Parents Aware we want to stress how important it is for kids to feel they have a safe place to talk about the complex pressures of growing up in a hyper-sexaulized society. Read on to discover how understanding this new tween dialogue can provide you with an opportunity to address some very real concerns and affect positive change for both girls and boys.
When I was a girl the words “gnarly” and “rad” could be heard multiple times a day as kids expressed all that was good and cool. “Bogus” and “grody to the max” also got a lot of air time because, of course, we had to balance out things positive and things negative in this 80’s lingo.
This hip jargon had to be explained to my parents as the words were new to those of the older generation. It was up to my siblings and me to explain the latest terminology and give a few examples to illustrate how our conversations went out in the schoolyard.
The new language of tween girls
Now, as the parent, I stand on the opposite side of these moments.
Some of today’s catchphrases are quirky but fine, while other terms that my 12-year-old daughter brings home are downright astonishing! It’s given me some somber insight to what has changed in conversation between girls during games of hopscotch or catch from when I was young.
Do you know what an “exposed” is? How about a “fresh man”? Don’t worry, I was in the dark too until my daughter defined the new playground terms. These are the titles, along with “porn-watcher” that have been coined amongst the girls in my daughter’s K-8 school. Perhaps these words are unique to her school, but I doubt the general dialog is. Given current trends to embrace hyper-sexualization in mainstream media and frequent sexting over apps, kids are more keenly aware of pornography than most parents realize.
Related: Sexual Health: 4 Strategies for EASY Parent/Child Talks
Labelled according to porn consumption
Porn-watcher is pretty self-explanatory and refers to the type of boy who brings porn to school and has little apology for openly admitting he is into it. He also wouldn’t shy away from exposing this content to another student —hence the term exposed.
Exposed is a boy who has been introduced to porn, often by the former pornwatcher, and though he admits to seeing some of it, remains mute enough on the subject as to leave the girls in doubt as to whether he is for or against it.
Finally, fresh man refers to a boy that shuns porn or openly rejects others who try to flip their phones around and show shock-value images or video.
Self-protection and trying to make sense of it all
While I have done my best to foster a lot of dialog with my daughter on the subject of the ‘birds and bees’, boys (and now porn!), it still shocks me when I hear how much the girls actually know about each of the boys’ porn status in their class —how quickly they categorize the boys into these three groups. But my daughter assures me it’s easy to pick up cues from the boys’ casual talk about females, Instagram postings, or what’s being passed around on their phones at school, etc.
“Why categorize the boys?”, I asked.
“To figure out what you are willing to cope with. What you are willing to accept, mom.”
This startled me even as it made logical sense. Half the motivation was about assessment for the purpose of self-protection, the other half with trying to zero in on who was a potential ‘good bet’.
My daughter continued, “We talk about who, in high school, we would be willing to take a chance on based on what we know about their ‘girl-habits’ [porn-use] now.”
Sobering, sophisticated & soul-wracking thoughts
Through their daily interaction with classmates girls wrestle with the knowledge that boys who watch porn think of girls differently, interact with them differently and speak about them differently. Consider the following:
- Girls wrestle with body image concerns. They worry today that their natural beauty is not enough. Also, they worry that future boyfriends or husbands will be disappointed that their body does not look like the surgically enhanced bodies of porn models.
- Beyond body image these girls worry they will be asked to do extreme or demeaning sex acts on par with what the porn industry considers normal and commonplace. Their concern is that the men they want to fall in love with in the future, will not love them in return if they do not want to perform like a porn actor.
- Additionally, girls grapple with the very real fear that porn teaches boys that monogamy/commitment is an outmoded idea or even an abnormal one. Porn promotes the notion that women are objects —easily used and discarded. They fear it conjures ideas that sex is a conquest that involves multiple partners, enhanced bodies and constant, but unrealistic, sexual adventures.
These are quite sobering, sophisticated and soul-wracking thoughts for girls in Grades 6, 7 and 8!
While I, as a child, spent recess discussing my future dreams with my friends, these beautiful young women, so heavily concerned, use the same recess minutes to discuss their future fears.
If boys knew…
Do boys know this? What would they think if they knew? Would they be as startled as I am by the deep and mature thoughts of 11-13 year-old girls? Could they even imagine that using porn is not perceived by girls as a future bonus of knowing what to do, but rather something that is scary, doubt-laden and inhibits their willingness to trust?
Do boys know that girls, even at this young age, are vocally reinforcing hopes within their cliques to try for a fresh man? That they are starting now to firm-up concrete decisions about who they would be interested in dating based upon this very porn-use factor?
I don’t think the boys have a clue. But I do think they should know!
I think that when they realize how much quiet weight girls are putting into this topic, they would have at their disposal useful knowledge that could enlighten them now and empower them to choose wisely for their own future.
Related: Help Kids Reject Pornography: 5 Powerful Parenting Tips
Girls and boys deserve better
We owe boys the vantage point of looking ahead and seeing that porn use can harm their future relationships and can even limit the interest of female prospects. Porn-conditioned youth deserve to know they have a choice! Similarly, we owe girls the opportunity to date boys whose view of sex and sexuality isn’t informed by pornography. By listening to the fears that tween girls have of their porn-conditioned male peers, we can better understand what direction to go in addressing information and conversations that will best help our boys.
Knowledge is power —especially when caring adults share an insight that can potentially change someone’s future so effectively and for the positive. We need to have this conversation with our children so they can have the advantage of a perspective they might not otherwise consider.
Create a safe place for kids to talk
As our guest author explains, whether or not we realize it, pornography is moulding and conditioning the sexual behaviours of young people. The middle school years are especially challenging! It’s a peak time for sexual curiosity, identity formation, and immense social pressure. When a young person’s natural biological responses to puberty are combined with unlimited access to sexually explicit content, it’s no wonder porn has become a conversation for the playground.
But take heart! Listening to this new language of tween girls is part of helping kids navigate this tricky adolescent landscape. Children and teens thrive when they are able to ask questions and share their concerns at home. Notice how this mom has been able to create a safe place for her daughter to do just that. Kids need to know from their parents that no subject is off limits. When we proactively educate kids on the dangers of pornography we give them the opportunity to make sexually responsible decisions in their youth.
3 ways to help kids (and their parents)
Parents Aware is a forum for sharing concerns, ideas and successes. It’s our goal to support one another as we work towards building a happy and healthy future for our children and teens. Discover how you can contribute to this community and its cause. It’s easy:
- Share this post on facebook, pinterest, twitter or via email.
- Invite friends to sign up for Parents Aware weekly email subscription.
- Contact us if you have a story, or experience to share. (We can help you get the words written.)
Together we can help raise a generation resistant to the damaging effects of pornography!
- Teens Reveal 8 Ways to Build Up the Courage to Resist Porn - April 26, 2019
- Survival Instincts: The New Language of Tween Girls - April 17, 2018
- When Porn Attacks Your Family Like a Monster Refusing to Quit [Reader Story] - May 25, 2017
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