My Child Needs Help! 6 Practical Ways to Put Your Oxygen Mask on First

Everyone knows when the cabin pressure drops, you must put your own oxygen mask on before attending to others.

That’s tough advice for parents to swallow. Even in the best of times we’re apt to put our kids’ needs ahead of our own. But when it comes to helping a child let go of a compulsion to use pornography, it’s crucial that we have a dependable source of air to help us maintain steady breathing patterns. After all, it’s going to be important to take regular calming breaths as we face the journey ahead.

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Your support system

Anytime your efforts are concentrated on helping a loved one, it’s difficult to recognize the importance of your own support system. In this article we discuss 6 practical ways to put your mask on first. You’ll learn:

• How to approach family and friends,
• When to seek out professional services,
• Where to find a local support group,
• Choosing the right online resource,
• Helpful literature, and
• Self-care and what it means.

Drawing upon one or more of these supports will put you in a better position to help your child towards recovery.

Running out of oxygen

Rachel (name changed) explains how her reaction to her son’s struggle with pornography felt like an emotional tailspin:

“As a mother, you can feel it when things aren’t right. I knew my son was struggling with pornography. He hadn’t told me in so many words. But his behaviour did. He had become increasingly disrespectful. And when I’d question his use of time he’d completely shut down. I watched as he isolated himself socially, neglected his physical health, and then finally failed at school.

By the time we talked openly I was beyond frustrated. I was angry at him and myself! I felt like I had failed as a parent. I questioned if I wasn’t in part to blame for his behaviour. Wasn’t it my job to teach him the dangers of pornography and protect him from it?

These weren’t simple fleeting thoughts I had. They were constantly on my mind. Every day was emotionally and mentally draining.”

Unfortunately, Rachel’s story is not uncommon. Many parents enter panic-mode when they discover pornography has taken root in their kids’ lives. It’s a normal first reaction. But danger will escalate the longer we wait to get help. Reach for your oxygen mask as soon as you can and you will find that you’re better equipped to focus on your child’s needs.

Related: When Porn Attacks Your Family Like a Monster Refusing to Quit

6 Practical ways to reach for your oxygen mask

Finding adequate social support can be challenging for parents. For many it’s difficult to share their child’s struggles. Feeling vulnerable to the judgments of others and wanting to keep a child’s confidence are generally the two biggest obstacles to seeking help. Let’s find out how to overcome these issues.

1. Friends and Family

When someone validates your feelings, gives encouraging advice, and even shares similar experiences, it is like a breath of fresh air! Unfortunately, not every family member or close friend will respond as we’d like. Negative responses can knock the wind out of you for a time. Try not to let one bad experience keep you isolated. Many more people are ready to listen with an open heart.

Carefully consider who to talk with and trust your gut. It may take a couple brave attempts at conversation before you find a true confidant. One option is to introduce pornography in a less personal way. For example:

“I’m really concerned about the influence of pornography on kids today, but I find no one talks about it. What do you think?”

Or more to the point:

“How would you handle it if your child was having trouble with porn?”

A response to these kinds of questions will help you know if you are in a safe place to share personal concerns. Keep in mind you are not alone. Support is available!

2. Professional Counselling

There may be times when you are overwhelmed and need additional support. Therapists and other professionals provide a perspective that family and friends can’t always offer. Their job is to be objective! Plus. they will help you access resources unique to your specific concerns.

The purpose of counselling is not to fix you or remove the problem. Rather it’s to empower you with the tools to achieve your goals.  Even 2-3 sessions could help you recognize unhealthy communication patterns or habits that are distracting from your child’s recovery. A small investment could make a world of difference.  Never feel ashamed to reach for professional help.

3. Support Groups

Support groups provide a safe, non-judgmental place for anonymous sharing of trials and triumphs. As welcoming as that sounds, the thought of entering a room full of strangers likely takes you way out of your comfort zone. If there is hesitation to attend, invite a family member or close friend to join along.

To find such meetings search local churches and community organizations. As well there are a variety of online options that offer greater anonymity. Getting there is usually the hardest step. Once in the group, you should recognize quickly if it’s the kind of support you need.

4. Online Resources

We all know there’s no shortage of parenting advice online. The trouble is sorting through to find the quality information you need. When a child is struggling with pornography it’s important to learn about compulsive behaviours and addictions too. This will allow you to better understand what your child is struggling with and how it affects you as their support.

Ultimately you need to find what speaks to you. When possible look for resources directed specifically for parents. Apart from our own insights we recommend Culture Reframed’s Parent Course and Fight The New Drug’s Brain, Heart, World educational platform. Have a peek at their video preview:

LIMITED TIME OFFER: Nov 12 to 30 only, visit film.fightthenewdrug.org for FREE individual access to the full series.

5. Literature

Reading a good book can become a boost to your own health and strength. Books give detailed, real-life accounts readers can empathize with and relate to. Some self-help books provide valuable tools for measuring progress—yours and your child’s. Choosing a wide variety of literature will help you gain new perspectives.

Alongside books for parents and children, read stories of recovered addicts or their spouses. These can be gems of knowledge and insight for you.

6. Self-care

Unlike the other resources listed, this one comes from within. We invest so much into our children, that it’s easy to lose sight of our own needs. Sometimes we sacrifice too much for the duty of parenting. Schedule time on a regular basis to exercise, to vent, to meditate, to be creative, to express gratitude, to get good sleep, etc.

It’s so important to do things that bring peace and stability despite whatever chaos is present. This effort to have balance will bring you clarity of mind and help you better process your emotions and thoughts. It can also give children a pattern to follow in their own lives, especially while navigating struggles.

You’re not alone in feeling alone

According to stats cited by the American College of Pediatricians up to 83% of children are exposed to pornography before age 13. It only follows that the same number of families and friends are being affected by its adverse consequences. Parents, we need to shed the mindset that we are alone in this struggle! When we learn to reach out and help each other, we will in turn be better prepared to help our children.

Related: Kids are Drowning in Porn: So Why Aren’t Parents Asking For Help?

Learning to breathe again

“After I began having conversations with friends and family in similar situations, I was not nearly as shocked by my own circumstances. Their support, along with my personal research, proved very beneficial. I learned to better understand my child’s reactions while keeping balance in my own life. I realized that he was not trying to hurt himself or me—and I was not responsible for his behaviour. As I kept that perspective, I could care for myself, and love and support him more.”

What a difference it’s made for Rachel to have a support system! Her first response had been normal but not so healthy. She was angry with her son and even blamed herself. Continuing in this pattern would likely push her son away and negatively impact her own health. Reaching for the oxygen mask changed everything. Now, instead of trying to fix her kid or get angry at the situation, Rachel is working on understanding what their family is going through. Because she has allowed others to support her she is in a better position to help her son.

Anytime a child struggles it can be emotionally and physically taxing. It’s easy to become consumed by the situation—not so easy to share the burden. Remember that while you are striving to help your child, you must get help for yourself too!

Just breathe.

COMING SOON!  Coaching Sessions from Parents Aware

At Parents Aware we continue to encourage individuals to draw support from family and trusted friends. But we’ve been listening and know there are times when you need additional support, direction, and even courage from an experienced voice.

Stay tuned as Parents Aware prepares to launch individualized coaching sessions. Benefits will include:

• A confidential place to share your frustrations and concerns.
• Direction to resources tailored specifically to your family’s needs.
• Unwavering encouragement with specific strategy planning sessions.
• Markers to help you recognize and celebrate progress.

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