Nurturing kids with 3 battle-winning tools to fight against porn

When it feels like a battle…

Think about life for a minute. No, I’m not just talking about what’s for dinner but the really big stuff. What have been your greatest family joys? Are there some sorrows mixed in there too? How does it all stack up against your worries of today? And what does the future hold? Does it ever feel like a battle?

Whoa, now we’re getting serious!

Every family will of course have their own story to tell. And every individual in that family will see things from their perspective. But as a mom of young children growing up in our digitally saturated world I’m very concerned. I have many friends my age who’ve struggled with pornography addictions and compulsions.

So from my perspective pornography is something I plan to prepare my kids for. I don’t want them to be caught off guard. I kind of think of it as a battle analogy. I’ve seen so many wounds inflicted on individuals and families that’s it hard for me to see it otherwise. To some that might sound ominous. But I see it as hopeful.

That’s because I know our chances of success increase exponentially when we’re prepared to defend ourselves, fight back, and even help those who have been captured in this war to find peace and freedom in recovery.

Make no mistake, pornography is an enemy to all. The best case scenario is to avoid getting caught in its trap altogether. But we have to be prepared on all fronts. Today I’ll explain what we’re doing in our young family to protect ourselves. We are learning how to:

• Put up a shield—guard and defend our values,
• Wield a sword—consciously fight pornography, and
• Carry a balm—treat and heal wounds as they occur.

1. A shield against pornography

Our first and best defence in any war is the shield we carry and fortress we build around ourselves. This is our amour, our protection and our refuge.

Beyond internet filters

To keep our family safe from unwanted attacks, we installed internet filters. But we know that depending on filters alone is a dangerous strategy. All filters, no matter how current, will eventually fail to keep out inappropriate content. As such we also teach our children habits of personal safety and health especially as it relates to media and online activities.

To remind us of our family values we decorate our home with inspiring words and pictures. We’ve also made an effort to get rid of or reduce that which what will not help us meet our long term goals. We like to have open discussions, spend fun family time together, and work on special projects as often as possible.

Choosing the good stuff together

I believe that if we fill our time and environment with good, positive things, we will be less likely to run into situations that are physically and emotionally harmful. From an early age we get our kids to help us review the movies, books, magazines, music, and games in our home. We determine if there are any cracks in our fortress that need patching. If there’s something we deem unacceptable, even in the slightest degree, we get rid of it. It’s not worth having if it won’t help strengthen our home and family.

Time for what?

Time is a tougher thing to manage since schedules rarely stay as planned. Despite the struggle, we do our best each week to plan regular times for exercise, family activities, crafts, reading, education, service, chores, and more. Teaching kids to use their free time in a variety of healthy activities is so important when screens are competing so much for their attention.

As the parent, this is where I have to do my best to set an example. I need to step back and analyze when, where, and how I might get distracted. Or what are the situations in my life that often send me into negative thoughts, behaviours,and use of time?

For one example, I have found that if I don’t get enough sleep, I’m easily stressed with my kids. This leads me to craving things, like dessert or online window shopping, that are not what I really need. (A nap would be so much better!) As I recognize and adjust my personal habits, I can help give my children a healthy pattern to follow to defend themselves.

A word on love

Building a solid defence against pornography means educating children on what true love is. This is such a powerful resource! Yet so often underestimated—even overlooked. If we’re focusing only on what love isn’t (pornography), then we risk teaching our kids to associate intimacy with negative feelings such as shame, guilt or fear.

One of the best things we can do for our children is to teach them how to recognize healthy love and relationships. And it starts with the expressions of love within our own home. We make sure our kids know that mommy and daddy love each other very much.

2. Wielding a sword against pornography

Despite efforts taken to shield our family from pornographic content we need to be prepared at all times for the unexpected. Even when we are close to combat we need to know how to wield our sword.

Practice battle strategies

In our home, we practice our battle strategies. This includes:

• Saying NO by closing our eyes, turning it off, and running away.
• Distracting ourselves by singing a song, picturing our family, saying a prayer, replacing our thoughts, etc.

I stress “practice” because what good is a sword if it’s not sharpened or you don’t knowhow to use it? So we role play different scenarios. And whether we’re at home or outside, we call it out when we see it — “That’s Pornography!” We then follow up with an open discussion. This helps our kids know how to react to a dangerous situation. They also learn that mom and dad are there no matter what.

Encouragement

Funny story: When our oldest was 3 we lived in Las Vegas. It was not uncommon to have to drive past billboards that were quite explicit. It was obvious that she’d see the images of these half-naked people so we began teaching her more specifics about pornography.

We tried to help her distinguish the beauty of our bodies and separate that from porn. But in her young mind, pornography was simply naked people. For example, she’d callout if someone was showering in a movie. We wouldn’t necessarily stop her. We saw it as good practice. And we were happy she was comfortable telling us.

The day after one of these incidents, we went hiking through Zion National Park. It was hot! As we reached the Narrows hiking trail, which is a river, we saw people coming back from their day of hiking through it. One group was of several young men wearing their swimsuits. Our daughter noticed them and screamed, “Naked people!”, covered her eyes with her hands, turned and ran towards us.

It was hilarious (if not misdirected), but we were so proud of her for applying what knowledge she had to fight a battle that will surely face her in more real ways down the road.

3. A balm for healing

I mentioned earlier that I have several close friends who continue the battle to be free of pornography compulsions and addictions. These I consider valiant soldiers. Caught in the crossfire, their wounds are deep and often recurring.

Through them I have learned that when proper care and maintenance is applied, healing and recovery is possible. Finding ways to counteract negative emotions is a critical first step. It’s a mindset shift and it can take great effort.

Finding a positive mindset

Specifically with my young children, we teach them to squash negative thoughts as quickly as possible. They can turn away from or leave situations that are upsetting. We teach them to come to us immediately. That way they never have to carry the burden of worry alone. When negative thoughts do sneak back we tell them to sing a song, think of a place that makes them happy, or find another activity to do.

These can be useful tools for older children and adults, but more is often required. For individuals suffering with a compulsion to use pornography it can be doubly hard to maintain positive thinking and uplifting behaviour. Negative thoughts are easily triggered in daily routines. In this case, the healing balm may come through several sources.

Seek trusted friends or family members for advice. It’s important to include accountability in the healing process. You’ll need at least one individual who can recognize and celebrate the victories with you. For this it may beneficial to find a support group and an accountability partner who knows what it feels like to overcome habits of pornography. 

Recognize the good in you. See your worth by writing a list of strengths and talents you have. If you’re feeling like this is too hard to do, ask someone to help you make that list. Do the things you love to do.

Track how you use your time. See what times in your schedule could use improvement. Record how many battles you’re facing each day and what works to help you win them.

Educate yourself further on the realities of pornography’s harms. The enemy will try to lie to you to say it’s not that bad. But you know it is! Learn how it impacts your mind so you know what areas need focus in recovering.

The strength to win

On any given day, we may find ourselves anywhere in this battle. It may be nurturing children to grow up with a healthy value system. It may be navigating all the media that comes across our family’s sightline. Or it may be helping a child or friend heal from the deep wounds of pornography addiction. No matter where you are, at the end of each day you can polish your shield, sharpen your sword, and keep your healing balm in your pocket.

Finally, remember that while this enemy attacks individuals, and we have to put forth our individual effort, this is not a battle we fight alone. Together, we are an army defending and healing each other.

Join the Parents Aware community

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Jane

Jane Whitaker has a degree in psychology from Brigham Young University, and continues her passion for healthy family relationships through her own family and through her photography. She is actively learning about pornography addiction and how to help families defend and recover from it.

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