Not Alone: Parenting Support When Your Teen Has Porn Problems

We have a porn problem. To fix it we need to get it out in the open. Yes, we’re getting better at acknowledging that porn targets kids. But we still talk in generalities. Like it’s something that’s out there. When in reality it’s in here. It’s in our homes. It’s part of our kids’ lives. And to help them we need parenting support. We need to start talking to other parents about our real worries and concerns.

Wait! What? You’re suggesting I tell someone if my child can’t stop looking at porn? Won’t that embarrass them or expose me to harsh criticism?

Ok. We’re not suggesting you tell just anyone and everyone. But if your child is struggling with porn, there are good reasons to seek parenting support outside your immediate family. To learn more, listen to this week’s podcast.

This show is actually an archived conversation between our founder Marilyn and her sister Val. They each open up about their own experiences with kids and porn. And why telling someone else was one of the best things they did to help their kids on a path to healing and recovery.

Porn targets all kids

It’s not easy to ask for help. We get it! The inclination is to say nothin’ to nobody. We’re afraid of being accused or labeled as a bad parent. What’s wrong with your kid? How could you allow your child to be hurt like this? We feel alone and judged. In reality, we’re responding to a culture of shame, stigma, and misunderstanding. 

Related: Ep. #2-17, Is My Child or Teen Addicted to Porn? with Paul Lavergne, Turning Point Counselling Services

Off mic, Marilyn admits that when she’s writing or speaking under the Parents Aware umbrella, it’s easy to discuss how porn affects young people. But conversations with close friends are different. The topic of pornography can feel taboo and off limits … even for her. Opening up and seeking parenting support means being vulnerable. It’s scary. 

A truth we rarely acknowledge is that most families are going through the same thing. Porn is targeting kids. That means all our kids. As the saying goes, it’s not a matter of IF but WHEN. And when exposure occurs, more often than not, kids will look a second and third time. It’s not because they’re bad kids. It’s simply because porn is designed to excite and stimulate the adolescent brain and body. It’s habit-forming. It’s addicting. 

It was the right call

On mic, Marilyn explains how her worries and concerns about one son’s consumption of porn bubbled to the surface—like a pot on a hot stove. It got to the point where she had to act. That meant reaching out to her sister Val for parenting support. “I’m sure I tripped over the words, but somehow I managed to tell her I had a child that couldn’t stop looking at porn and I desperately wanted help.”

Related: Ep. #2-23, Help! My Kid is Looking at Pornography

It was the right call. Val responded with compassion, understanding and empathy. There was no judgment at all. In fact, to Marilyn’s surprise, her sister opened up about similar struggles that had been going on with one of her kids. “I can’t imagine not having Val on my side in this fight. That one phone call changed everything.”

Opening up meant the sisters could talk about their feelings and other concerns too:

• How (when you discover a child looking at porn) it hits you like a sucker punch and why your first reaction might not be the best.
• How there will always be people who are going to judge inappropriately and what to do about it.
• What things inhibit us from talking to other parents and the sweet relief when we finally figure out how to overcome them.
• How acknowledging (and carefully sharing) a child’s struggle with pornography helps to remove shame and encourage recovery.

Parenting support you need

Today, Val shakes her head and wonders what took two sisters so long to start talking. Her advice to other parents? “As you work to find help for your kids, make sure you find help for yourself too!” Val is a strong advocate for seeking help early. She says that once she opened her heart to a couple close friends, she was able to have even better conversations with her kids.

Marilyn says that being alone and feeling like you had to guard a dark secret was terrible. Once she discovered that talking openly and seeking parenting support promotes healing, she wanted to give other parents the same opportunity. Thus Parents Aware was created. “Parents need to know theirs is not the only family going through this.” 

Related: Ep. #1-3, Put Your Oxygen Mask On First: Taking Time for Self-Care When Your Kids Have Porn Problems

Everything created at Parents Aware and the Media Savvy Moms podcast is designed to give parenting support and provide the best tools and information to start the conversations they need. If you have a child that can’t stop using porn, know that you’re not alone. Contact us and let’s talk about what we can do to help.

More about today’s guest

Valerie Thomson is a mom of 8 and grandma to 8, with more on the way. She loves swimming, cycling, running, and hiking. When her kids were young, Val enjoyed homeschooling for many years. Today, some of her favorite moments include adventures with the grandkids. Val holds a Bachelor of Science Degree from the University of Western Ontario and coaches individuals in lifestyle medicine. 

Links/Resources

How to Talk to Your Kids About Pornography (book) by Educate and Empower Kids

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Media Savvy Moms Podcast

Who knew honest conversations about parenting and pornography could be so approachable? Join Marilyn for a series of contemplations, chats, and interviews as she helps fellow parents tackle this challenging topic with their kids.

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