Parenting, Porn & Not-So-Common Sense

Why would I ever have to justify the stance that pornography is harmful to a 12-year-old child? That’s the question I keep playing over and over in my mind since I found myself in this exact scenario.

Several individuals, who by every indication should have a child’s best interest in mind were quick to throw common sense out the window and offer this dangerous advice to other parents. (See story below).

In response, this post will review 5 ways porn seriously harms children. It will dig down beyond plain common sense—because apparently, that is no longer enough! Using this as a quick reference guide, my hope is that we can increasingly:

• Speak out against porn by dispelling dangerous myths and bad advice.
• Support parents helping children overcome habits of porn use
• Give children the tools they need to reject pornography 

12-year-old using porn

Julie (named changed) came to her parenting community for support. She had just discovered their 12-year-old son was using porn. After his online history was exposed he confessed that a school friend had told him where to find it. And when his dad inquired further, he admitted using it for self-pleasure.

Julie wanted us to know that she and her husband had talked calmly with their son about why using pornography was unsafe. They explained how it portrays an unrealistic view of sex and is full of confusing and detrimental information—especially for young children. They assured their son that they weren’t angry, but they did expect him to make better choices in the future.

What next?

What Julie wanted from the parenting community was advice for the next step. She knew her son felt bad. Her worry was that the lure of porn would be too enticing to give up. And she didn’t want the topic of sex to now have shameful connotations attached to it. For her, the issue was how pornography distorts young boys’ perceptions about sex and intimacy.

First, just let me say how much I respect anyone who is willing to open their heart and ask for advice on this topic.

Secondly, her concern is valid. Pornography is designed to elicit a sexual response from the viewer. Children who find porn, can quickly learn to use it for self-pleasure. The more they are exposed, the more it can distort sexual expectations. Pornography can even inhibit a child’s ability make emotional connections with real people.

Finally, Julie’s question was sincere and focused on her son’s well-being. She understood that using porn is not a habit easily set aside. What happened next is what upset me.

Common sense thrown out the window

Parents were quick to respond in the most unhelpful ways. The first comment:

“Maybe go old school and buy him some magazines? That way you’ll know what’s in them.” 

Before I could pick my jaw off the floor, someone else offered up this gem:

“Take away the computer and buy him some magazines.” 

When I pointed out that we have to consider the child’s developing mind and the risks inherent to porn, I was told:

“They’re going to do it anyway.”

What was this nightmare I was living? Did parents really think like this? 

This is more than bad advice

The more I’ve thought about it, the more I realize that at it’s core giving a child a porn magazine is not just bad advice, it’s lazy parenting.

• It signifies you’d rather not have challenging conversations with your children.
• It indicates you are willing to indulge children instead of being honest with them.
• It suggests that you’re OK with putting your child in harms way simply because you’re unwilling to take a stand against something that is clearly unhealthy for developing minds. 

At its worst, giving a child a porn magazine perpetuates the attitude that “boys will be boys”. It condones the behaviour that created the environment for the #metoo movement.

What’s more! Today everything and I mean EVERYTHING is connected. We call it the Internet of things (IoT). And although this is the least of my concerns, this bad advice is also incredibly outdated. It’s highly improbable that you could unplug every enabled device in your home.

Parenting with thought and care

The truth is, meaningful conversations with kids about sex and intimacy take thought and care, time and energy. Ideally, they happen consistently over the course of childhood and evolve as children grow.

Talking with kids about the dangers of pornography requires parents to take a moral stance against it. For the conversation to have any lasting impact, you have to be able to say: women should not be objectified…men should not be objectified…porn does this…this makes porn bad. It’s about drawing a line in the sand.

On the contrary, handing a child a magazine requires no effort, no investment of time—and in my humble opinion—no guts. It’s abdicating responsibility to teach children about sex and relationships to the porn industry. 

5 ways pornography harms children

It’s become obvious that current culture doesn’t recognize the social consequence of expanding porn consumption. Still, it shocks me when I have to explain how these consequences are further amplified among children. What should be accepted common sense, now requires us to show compelling evidence! Well, here it is:

1. Porn inspires compulsive habits

Science shows that the brain responds to pornography similar to the way it does addictive  drugs. A flood of pleasure chemicals is released in the reward centre of the brain every time an individual views porn. Its purpose is to excite and arouse and stimulate a sexual response.

One of the problems is that porn is a fake, exaggerated representation of sex. Very quickly the brain comes to accept this enhanced representation as the preferred choice for arousal. The individual starts to crave porn. Lots of it. With lots of variety. 

2. Porn interferes with the developing mind

In writing this article I’ve intentionally used the term “child” to refer to the 12-year-old in the story above. Yes, adolescent, kid and tween are all age appropriate labels. But when we’re talking about pornography, it’s important to reinforce that this is a child! 

Cognitively a child’s brain is in a different developmental stage than an adult’s. Executive functioning powers are not fully developed until about age 24. That means, by nature children are more vulnerable to pornography when exposed.

3. Porn teaches unrealistic expectations of sex 

Porn focuses on physical appearance, risky behaviour and exaggerated aspects of sex. All the ingredients one might look for in a healthy relationship are purposely left out of the script. Love, intimacy, kindness, etc. are replaced with violence and aggression.

According to Dr. John Foubert, porn contains the perfect recipe for rape. He’s not suggesting that everyone who views porn will commit rape. But he is concerned that easy access to pornography is teaching young people that sex and violence go together. 

Important! The idea that sex, violence and degradation go together is continually promoted in porn magazines today. In his book, The Porn Myth: Exposing the Reality Behind the Fantasy of Pornography, Matt Fradd points to a study conducted through the University of Surrey and Middlesex University.

Here, they took quotes about women from convicted rapists and from men’s magazines. Then they asked people to label which came from which. Most could not distinguish the source. Could you? Here are two of the milder examples: 

“Girls love being tied up…It gives them the chance to be the helpless victim.”

“I think girls are like plasticine, if you warm them up you can do anything you want with them.”

4. Porn exploits children 

The connection between pornography, child sex abuse and human trafficking is so large I will not attempt to do it justice in a short bullet point. However, I want to stress that at its core porn always objectifies humans and commodifies sex. It’s a 97 billion dollar industry which targets the vulnerable—including hundreds of thousands of sex-trafficked children. 

In response, the Canadian Centre for Child Protection created Project Arachnid. Seeking out and removing the expanse of child abuse images requires a super-computer. And yet with this incredible software they still can’t keep up:

Important! Playboy magazine led the modern porn industry by sexualizing children within its pages as early as 1954. In lieu of photos, magazines often use comics, cartoons combined with explicit verbiage to educate adults and groom children on how they should respond to adult sexual advances. 

5. Porn use leads to loneliness

All humans seek connection. Some would go so far to say that love is a basic need. We know that children who are raised in nurturing homes thrive beyond those who suffer repeated neglect and abuse. But pornography can interfere with a child’s perceptions of their ability to be loved. 

When pornography sexually arouses the viewer, the brain releases the same bonding hormones that are released with human connection. But once the tablet is turned off or the magazine is shut, pornography can leave a child feeling empty, lonely, depressed, and even unlovable.

After 30 years of treating compulsive porn users, Psychologist Dr. Gary Brooks says, The more one uses pornography, the more lonely one becomes.

Speak up and others will too

As I talk to parents, I realize most are sincerely trying to help their kids get through the tough stuff in life. I even believe those who offered up the terrible advice in the parent group weren’t doing it maliciously. What they needed was to start with better information—because distributing pornography to a minor regardless of the circumstance puts kids at risk. It’s dangerous and irresponsible!

Interestingly,  when I started speaking up for the protection of children others in this group caught the vision. Before long the conversation was going where it should have been from the start—offering valid reasons to protect children from the harms of pornography. It’s amazing what we can do when we have the facts to back it up.

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