What if my spouse is addicted to porn? Do I have a choice? What can I do to protect myself? Will his addiction impact our children? What can I do to protect them? Is it even possible to have a marriage free from porn? How can I fight for love? How can I fight for my family?
To answer these questions, we’ve invited author and women’s support coach Rosie Makinney to join us this week. Her mission is to help women understand what works and what doesn’t in terms of getting porn out of marriage. We love her because she’s able to infuse this difficult conversation with brightness and hope. Her book, Fight for Love: How to Take Your Marriage Back from Porn, is a gem and recommended reading for wives everywhere.
Rosie’s outlook has been shaped by two vastly different porn-invaded relationships. She knows firsthand the futility and pain of competing against porn for love. But she also knows what it’s like to have a spouse who’s overcome addiction and together they’ve discovered more in marriage than they ever thought possible.
You’ll find a portion of her story below. More in the podcast. And even more in her book. We hope you will enjoy them all.
Fight for love and mind the gap
Let’s be honest, women have been trying to get porn out of their marriage for generations. But there’s a gap between knowing the problem and knowing how to fix it. Women have been fighting for love the wrong way. It’s not their fault, Rosie says. They’ve been given bad advice. Two sides of a fake coin.
- Side one: The world tells women that if they could just look sexier, act hotter, and be better in bed then they could compete with porn.
- Side two: The Church tells women to be patient and accept porn as a man’s battle. Live alongside it. A kind of sin management. Love and forgive him into loving you.
Both solutions will lead to misery and heartache.
Related: Ep. #1-3, Put Your Oxygen Mask On First: Taking Time for Self-Care When Your Kids Have Porn Problems
What does work is drawing firm boundaries. Once a wife comes to understand that she is not responsible for her husband’s porn addiction, and that she did nothing to cause it, this can be very liberating. Women should know that they do not need to fix, control, or cure their husband. But they can tell him to seek the help he needs to overcome his addiction to pornography.
Rosie’s own fight
Not every fight for love will end in happily ever after. Rosie explains that she’s been on this journey twice. Once with a man who was unwilling to change. In that relationship she made the choice to walk away.
The second time it was early—like, honeymoon early!—in her current marriage when she recognized the warning signs. The post-traumatic stress of her previous porn-invaded relationship prepared her to act. She immediately told her new husband that he had to decide between her or the porn. She said she loved him and their marriage too much, and that she would not and could not go through this with him. He had to choose. It was either her or the porn.
He was ready to change. And although his recovery was not without challenges, his efforts were sincere. Rosie says that it was so transformational for both of them that they wanted to reach out to others. Women responded the best. They were thirsty for information and tools to help them take back their marriages.
Fight for love with kids
The fight for love in marriage is one thing. But what if you’ve got a family? How does this impact kids? In her book, Rosie uses the analogy of second-hand smoke. She says that unchecked porn is the quiet killer of families. The longer it’s present in a relationship the unhappier both spouses become. And, of course, kids will feel the tension, discord and mistrust as it sits heavy in the atmosphere.
It’s natural to want to shield kids from the truth. After all this is an issue between mom and dad, right? But experts say it can be worse to keep kids in the dark. When kids don’t know why parents are fighting, negative emotions can take over. Some kids will feel more alone, anxious, or even responsible. Without intervention, this can affect their social, emotional and cognitive development.
Related: Ep. #2-7, Help! My Spouse is Addicted to Porn: Parenting Through Betrayal Trauma with Anne Blythe, Betrayal Trauma Recovery
However, when parents speak up, set boundaries, and share what’s going on in age-appropriate ways, kids tend to thrive. Parents who’ve fought this battle and gotten porn out of their marriage have actually given their kids an advantage. Kids who know the harms of porn and how destructive it can be to relationships often become amazing warriors in the fight for love.
Practical tips and a 3-step plan
The fight for love isn’t just about removing porn from marriage. It’s about discovering marriage as it could be. It’s about reaching for your potential … together. For women ready to fight for love, Rosie outlines her 3-step plan.
- First, educate yourself. Figure out WHY and HOW you’re going to address porn in your marriage.
- Second, get help. Don’t try to do this on your own. Find a support group or counselor.
- Third, draw a firm line in the sand. Be clear with your spouse that you will not have porn as part of your marriage.
And we’re adding a fourth step: Get the book, Fight for Love: How to Take Your Marriage Back from Porn by Rosie Makinney!
Be sure to listen to the full podcast as Rosie knocks down the common myths women are told about porn.
Episode challenge
If you have a porn-invaded marriage, or know someone who does, check out the Fight for Love Podcast. It will empower and equip you to create boundaries and get the help you need.
Thanks for listening! If you enjoyed the show, please leave a positive review or tell a friend!
More about today’s guest
Rosie Makinney is an author, speaker and podcaster who ten years ago entered in the fight against her husband’s compulsive porn use. From the very beginning of her journey, Rosie has been bold and relentless about reaching other wives struggling with porn-invaded marriages and building a recovery community on the Central Coast of California. She is the founder of Fight For Love Ministries, which equips women with the faith and the facts to take back their relationships from porn. Connect with her at: www.fightforloveministries.org
Links/Resources
Fight for Love: How to Take Your Marriage Back from Porn (book) by Rosie Makinney
FREE 7-Day Devotional for wives of porn addicts available at YouVersion
Private Facebook Support Group for women dealing with porn-addicted spouses
Follow Rosie Makinney on Instagram and Facebook
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