When it comes to addiction, context is everything! If you say I’m addicted to chocolate, carbs, or TV your friends may laugh, wink and probably agree —yup, me too! But if you swap those vices out for alcohol, gambling or heroin, things get real serious, real fast.
Suddenly addiction becomes a frightening word—ominous, unrelenting, maybe even permanent. It conjures up images of broken homes, back alleys, and vagrant living. These are not thoughts we wish to linger on. It’s easier in many ways to turn a blind eye.
But what if the vice is pornography? And what if the individual is only 12 years old? What about 14? Or 18? Does age make a difference? Is addiction to pornography even possible? If so, what can parents do to intervene? And how can we keep the stigma of addiction from interfering with getting kids the help they need?
So many questions to answer
It’s important we get this right.
Why? Because in this digitally connected world, the risk of childhood exposure to pornography is extremely high. Plus, adolescents are more vulnerable to any kind of addiction. To help kids safely navigate to adulthood we need to know what risks they face and how to best respond to them.
When should we define porn use as an addiction?
To be honest, I’m squeamish about labelling adolescent porn use as an addiction. I tend to use softer sounding terms such as compulsion or habit. But as I gathered research for this article, I realized that these terms are all very much intertwined with one another. Have a look at the chart below to see what I mean.
Like any addictive behaviour, pornography consumption triggers a chemical response in the brain. It’s this response that the brain starts to crave. Depending on the individual, use of the addictive substance can move quickly from a pattern of behaviour, to an impulse to act, to a feeling of being enslaved or trapped to act against one’s will.
However, not everyone that uses pornography becomes addicted. Rather than jump to conclusions, give your child the chance to share what’s going on in his or her life.
Signs that someone is struggling to overcome a habit or addiction
Identifying a serious porn problem can be tricky. The visual cues may be little to none. Parents usually find out only when they stumble upon inappropriate content on their child’s device or family computer. Some parents confess that their child’s habits went for years before they realized what was going on. So, how do you know when your child needs help if they’re not asking?
Jane, one of our contributors, says it’s important to pay attention to even subtle changes in behaviour. We tend to dismiss a host of teen mood changes as normal. When really, they may be trying to tell us something. Here she describes an experience with a close friend.
“Sometimes it was obvious something was up. Other times it was just a vague sense that things were not right between us. It felt like we had lost our ‘connection’. What I noticed most was that my friend kept wanting to spend a lot more time alone.
I couldn’t pinpoint any major fault in him, so I would start to blame myself for being too needy or critical. It was a difficult and confusing time for us. When my friend eventually opened up about his struggle with pornography, it was as if all the dots connected and I could see the picture clearly. I knew I wasn’t at fault. And I knew he was asking for help.”
Spotting signs of trouble gets more complicated when we account for individual personalities. If your child is struggling, they will manifest it in a way that is unique to them. Be aware of any changes to or exaggerations of existing personality traits. Some examples include but are not limited to:
- Not getting along with or connecting with family members
- Not living up to family/self-standards, doubting one’s beliefs
- Preferring isolation (especially for long periods)
- Losing interest in activities, (especially ones they typically enjoy)
- Not contributing to conversations; only answers questions if specifically asked
- Lying, making threats, blaming others, or manipulation
- Resists setting goals or making commitments
- Becoming resentful, moody or disrespectful
- Acting inappropriately, having inappropriate conversations, or making disrespectful jokes
- Depression, lack of self-worth, not feeling joy in life
As a parent, you may have suspicions or worries. Remember, the only way to know for sure if your child is struggling with any specific issue is for them to say so. Children and teens are more likely to open up in a secure, non-shaming environment.
Response and intervention
Once you know there is an issue, your next task is to find a way to help your child. Instinctively, you’ll want to change their behaviour and fix their challenges (we want the best for our kids). But they must learn to do that on their own—and it will take time. For intervention, the ultimate goal is to express your love, support, and encouragement as far as they’ll accept it.
Parents responding to young children
With a young child, it may be easier to step into the authority role. First, express your concern for them. After that, you can teach them the harms that comes from this behaviour. Talk about what they’re feeling. Is it insecurity, curiosity, stress, anxiety, etc.? Direct their attention to behaviours that are healthier for handling these underlying causes.
Parents responding to older teens
Teenagers and young adults present a new set of challenges. They need parents to approach the issue in a way that respects their independence and ability to make their own decisions. A good place to start might be sharing some of the signs you’ve noticed, and how you’re worried something might be wrong.
Many teens already know their behaviour is not healthy. In fact, they often feel ashamed of it. For some, getting the issue is out in the open is a huge sense of relief. Still, other teens may remain guarded and resist talking about how they feel. Some may not be ready to talk at all—remaining adamant there is nothing wrong or unhealthy with their current choices.
These are all normal responses!
There is no doubt that the first few conversations will be a test of patience on both sides. Expect it to take many attempts and try different angles before both you and your child feel like you can be completely honest with one another.
Jane’s Story continued…
“My friend and I started to reconnect when I began to push past the small talk. I dug deep and shared some of my own feelings. Then I asked how life was affecting him. It took multiple conversations, and someone else sharing their struggle with pornography, before my friend started to tell what was really going on.
At first it hurt so much. I felt like our trust had been broken. It would have been easy for me to get angry—maybe even walk away. But at the same time, it was a sweet relief to feel honesty between us again. I did my best to listen without judgement. I did what I could to reassure him I would still be his friend—that he was still somebody worth being around.”
Jane learned later there were two things her friend appreciated most as he began his recovery journey.
- First, her constant reminders that he was a good person.
- Second, her belief he would find the tools and strength he needed to control his behaviour.
Parents have shared similar sentiments upon discovering what their role is in their child’s recovery—to love, encourage, support and believe. They agree the timing of when and how healing and recovery occurs remains with the child.
Getting to the root of the matter
Once you and your child begin talking more freely about the challenges he or she is facing, you’ll know better how to help. The journey towards recovery is often long and winding. How fast you get there is not as important as the overall progress and quality of the healing.
Another tricky thing about addictions is they have underlying causes and triggers. That means the behaviour your child is manifesting is not necessarily the root of the problem. Instead, it is being used as an escape for any number of uncomfortable feelings. This is one reason why setbacks occur during the recovery process. Stress piles up, setting off a chain reaction in the brain. The individual then seeks out what he or she knows best to self-sooth.
The good news is that the brain can be retrained. Your child can learn to manage stress with healthy alternatives. This is when professional counselling may be especially beneficial. Again, therapeutic support will only be as successful as the effort put forth by the individual. Families who’ve had positive experiences with this kind of support say it’s important to find something your teen identifies with. That could be one-on-one counselling or group sessions. Many teens and their parents also enjoy online support found in apps like Fortify.
Self-directed recovery
There’s no doubt, discovering your child has a problem with pornography is heartbreaking. Knowing that the behaviour could become an addiction makes it frightening. Waiting for your child to take the first step toward recovery can be very frustrating. But all of this becomes easier when you understand that healthy parental involvement is one of the best resources a child can have to resist or overcome any addiction.
Your job is to be supportive, patient, loving, and encouraging of positive behavior. In summary:
- Be aware of changes to or exaggerations of their personality
- Open a path of communication
- Respond with continued love and support
- Encourage finding the root of the issue
- Seek additional support as needed
- Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.
NOW AVAILABLE! Coaching Sessions from Parents Aware
At Parents Aware we continue to encourage individuals to draw support from family and trusted friends. But we’ve been listening and know there are times when you need additional support, direction, and even courage from an experienced voice.
Please let us know if you are interested in participating in individual or group coaching sessions. Here you’ll find:
- A confidential place to share your frustrations and concerns.
- Direction to resources tailored specifically to your family’s needs.
- Unwavering encouragement with specific strategy planning sessions.
- Markers to help you recognize and celebrate progress.
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Together we can help raise a generation resistant to the damaging effects of pornography! If you are interested in receiving regular updates from us, or have questions regarding upcoming coaching sessions, please fill out the attached form.
- Fact vs Fiction: Addiction, Pornography & Teens - February 22, 2019
- Nurturing kids with 3 battle-winning tools to fight against porn - December 14, 2018
- My Child Needs Help! 6 Practical Ways to Put Your Oxygen Mask on First - November 9, 2018
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