What to tell kids when a parent struggles with sexual addiction

Porn harms families. No question there. So what do you do when a parent struggles with sexual addiction? Instinct may be to keep it hidden. Your spouse knows—but not the children. You reason the truth would be too painful. Better that they never find out. And yet, experience and research shows that children actually suffer more from the weight of hidden truths than they do from careful and honest disclosure.

Tara McCausland, Director of Outreach for SA Lifeline joins me this week to discuss this very sensitive topic. SA Lifeline is a non-profit foundation that provides education, resources, and a 12-Step group for those suffering from pornography and sexual addiction. As well as for family members who’ve experienced betrayal trauma in the wake of addiction.

When a parent struggles with sexual addiction

Tara was 23 when her dad came clean. After years of betrayal and deception, he disclosed to his entire family the truth of his sexual addiction. As a younger child and teen, Tara always had a sense that something was off. The pieces of their family puzzle never seemed to fit together. As painful as it was to hear, she credits her dad’s disclosure—and her mom’s strength—as the catalyst to finding her own peace and recovery. 

In this episode:

• Beyond outward appearances. Children may not know that addiction is present in their home, nevertheless, they will feel the stress of it.

• Betrayal trauma applies to children too. When a child discovers their parent has been hiding the secrets of addiction their whole world is turned upside-down.

• Breaking the cycle. Continued secrecy will perpetuate more lies and secrecy. However, the purpose and manner of disclosure should always be in the best interest of the child. 

• Recovery is possible. Some addicts may not fully recover. But children of addicts have the ability to choose their own path towards healing.

• A beautiful gift (wrapped in an ugly package). Tara feels immense hope for the future. She feels prepared with her own family to face the challenges of a media-saturated world. 

Episode challenge

When we allow our children to see that we have compassion for our own imperfections, it gives them permission to tell their stories—to not be ashamed of mistakes—and to know that they are always worthy of love. This week, consider sharing with your children a struggle that you’ve worked to overcome. Note: this struggle does not need to relate to an addiction.

Also, if addiction is present in your marriage, please read the links below to better understand the process of disclosure. 

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Concerned about dangerous content kids find online? Unsure how to approach tricky topics? Ask us about our popular guide: 10 Natural Ways to Talk to Your Kids About Pornography

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More about today’s guest

Tara McCausland was born and raised in Utah, and is the fifth of seven children born to Steven & Rhyll Croshaw—co-founders of SA Lifeline, a non-profit foundation that provides education, resources, and a 12-Step group for those suffering from pornography/sexual addiction and betrayal trauma. Tara is a graduate of Utah State University and is currently serving as the Outreach Director for SA Lifeline. Tara lives in Washington, Utah with Luke, her husband of 16 years and their 4 awesome, rambunctious kids ages 5-13 years. She also hosts her own podcast, Still Rowing—a podcast about successfully navigating life’s challenges through faith in God. Tara loves 80’s music, white cheddar popcorn, light jacket weather, and British period films. 

Links/Resources

Websites: SA Lifeline – www.salifeline.org; SAL 12-Step – www.sal12step.org

Social Media: Instagram – @salifelinefoundation; Facebook – www.facebook.com/salifeline

Disclosure to children—Claudia Black: http://claudiablackphd.blogspot.com/2009/01/disclosure-to-children.html

Determining How and When to Disclose to children—Stephanie Carnes: https://healingwithworth.blogspot.com/p/determining-how-and-when-to-disclose-to.html
Related: Ep. #2-32, Fight for Love: Getting Porn Out of Your Marriage with Rosie Makinney

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Media Savvy Moms Podcast

Who knew honest conversations about parenting and pornography could be so approachable? Join Marilyn for a series of contemplations, chats, and interviews as she helps fellow parents tackle this challenging topic with their kids.

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