What do teens want parents to know about pornography and growing up in a media saturated world? Sure, we can talk about how to connect with our teens. We might even turn to researched-based theories to refine our parenting skills. But teens are tricky. And despite our best efforts, we’re often left scratching our heads wondering if we’re on the right track.
Ahhh, wouldn’t it be great if we could read their minds? We’d know exactly what to say and when. Maybe then we could avoid awkward moments, scathing eye-rolls, bursts of anger, or tears of misunderstanding. (Not to mention their reactions!!—LOL)
Alas, telepathy is not our game plan. We opted instead to speak with Creed Orme, co-host of Breaking the Silence, a podcast by Reach 10. Creed is 26 years old. So, not so far removed from teen life. Plus, he’s got sound advice for parents of teens who struggle with addiction to pornography—because he’s been there himself.
Teens want conversations without shame
It’s this experience that led Creed to find Reach 10—an organization helping like-minded young adults connect on a healthier level. Their aim is to remove the shame, silence and fear that usually hovers over conversations related to addiction, pornography and healthy sexuality. And replace them with connection, courage and compassion.
- Connection: seen as the true antidote to porn.
- Courage: being open with one’s feelings and intentions of the heart.
- Compassion: for the stories and experiences of others.
We asked Creed if he could help us adapt this 3-fold mission to helping parents know what teens want and need from us.
Related: Ep. #1-4, Give Your Kids a Construction Site: Creating A Safe Place for Difficult Discussions
Teens want to know about sex
“How badly did we miss the mark?” was our first question. It’s true that the internet caught us on the blindside. Very few parents thought of pornography as a threat to kids in the early days. And many kids stumbled across hardcore pornography for the first time inside the walls of their own home.
Hopefully we’ve become more savvy today about adding filters and parental controls. But it’s still such a challenge to keep pace with all the dangers available to kids online. Creed believes parents are genuinely trying their best and should be commended for that. (Aww, what great guy!)
Along with being more aware of technology, Creed says teens want parents to know that they can talk to them more openly and honestly about healthy sexuality. In fact, if you want your kids to reject pornography, it’s a must! Kids respond better when they know what they’re standing for and what they’re fighting for. As our friends at Fight the New Drug say, “Porn Kills Love.” Parents should proactively help their teens fight for real love.
Creed suggests this new resource for parents: A Better Way to Teach Kids About Sex (book)
Teens want to share their feelings
Creed is quick to acknowledge he grew up in a loving family with amazing parents. They set him up with a solid foundation and taught him many important principles. But coming from a conservative bend, there was very little discussion about sexuality. He believes this may have hindered his ability to break free from pornography early on.
Creed explained that as a kid he knew he wasn’t to look at porn. It never was his intention to do so. But by 5th grade he started to explore feelings of same-gender attraction. At first, his image searches were just curiosity. At this point, he didn’t make the connection that what he was looking at was pornography. Everything he had ever been warned against had to do with inappropriate pictures of women and girls!
Related: Ep. #2-19, 4 Essential Steps to Protect Kids from Pornography
Eventually (6 years later), Creed felt compelled to break the silence. Opening up to his parents was “the best thing” even if extremely difficult. Teens want parents to know that just because they’re not sure how to share their feelings, doesn’t mean they don’t need your help.
- It took time for Creed and his parents to learn how to talk about this.
- Making the effort to do so was what propelled his recovery away from porn.
What teens need most from parents
We asked Creed what he thought teens need most from their parents. To be a friend? Tough love? A confidant? An authority figure? His answer surprised us quite a bit. Looking back on his own teen years, Creed wished his parents had shown him more of their own humanity.
From his perspective, his parents had it all together—all the time. They never made mistakes. They were too perfect. How could he possibly measure up? For the longest time this made him feel as if he was failing at life.
Creed agrees, parents should set clear expectations for teens. But equally important is to admit their own vulnerabilities. When necessary, apologize openly. Knowing that parents have had to overcome their own obstacles in life can help teens make better decisions as they seek independence.
It’s a tricky balance: freedom vs discipline. But when parents add unconditional love to high expectations Creed believes that the important things will fall into place. Eventually.
Ep. #1-16, Sex Talks Run Amok: Laugh, Relax and Carry On
Episode challenge
What do teens want from parents? Take a moment this week to pause and listen. Wherever you’re at in your relationship, however old your child/teen is, listening is an important aspect of loving. Children can sense when you are seeking to understand without judgement. Observe how this creates a safe environment for more open communication.
Thanks for listening! If you enjoyed the show, please leave a positive review or tell a friend!
More about today’s guest
Creed Orme (26), originally from Carlsbad, California and now living in Provo, Utah, received his Bachelor’s of Science in Family Life: Human Development from Brigham Young University. He is currently preparing for a career in counseling psychology. Having had a pornography addiction in his adolescence, Creed joined Reach 10 in 2017, to help create a culture of courage, compassion, and connection to replace shame, silence, and fear that often keep people stuck and isolated in the problems of pornography. He currently serves as co-host for Reach 10’s podcast, Breaking the Silence, advocating for healthy sexuality. As Creed continually strives for wholehearted living, he also enjoys an active lifestyle, an affinity for dance, and connecting with others.
Links/Resources
A Better Way to Teach Kids About Sex (book)
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