Teens Screens Connection & Happiness

We’ve all heard it. We’ve all read it. “The smartphone has ruined this generation!” 

Perhaps in your own moment of concern, you said, “Gosh, that’s terrible!” as you continued scrolling your news feed, not knowing what more you could do about it. 

You’re not alone. 

Just so you know, this is not your average post about social media. We won’t be discussing the perils of Instagram, Snapchat, Tik Tok or anything of that ilk. That’s not to say these perils don’t exist, they do! It’s just not where we’re going today.

This post isn’t about mindless scrolling either or the pressure teens feel to measure up to some arbitrary standard. It’s not even about porn (shocking). Rather, it’s about happiness and human connection, and helping our kids find, protect, and enhance both in the age of social media. 

Can happiness be found in a smartphone?

On a scale of 1 to 100, how happy do you think your kids are online? 

Don’t answer. Just keep the idea of happiness in the back of your mind while we first, look at some research and second, read about my young friend Colton.  Both highlight what so many teens are experiencing in their online relationships and help uncover solutions to the smartphone problem.

And no, it doesn’t include smashing them all to pieces. 

The next generation

From a research perspective, no one singular event ever defines a generation. There are lots of contributing factors: parenting styles of the day, cultural norms, school curricula, world events such as wars or periods of peace, even significant natural disasters can alter the way an entire generation will respond to life.

However …

Jean M. Twinge, Ph.D. has been studying generational change for the past 22 years and she says, “The twin rise of the Smartphone and Social Media created an earthquake, the magnitude of which has not been seen in a very long time.”

Earthquake? Magnitude! Oooh, that sounds ominous. 

Time for a little reflection

Obviously, it’s no secret that smartphones and social media are having a profound effect on our lives. That’s like saying grandma’s cookies are yummy. It’s obvious, and that’s why we eat them. (Usually too many too fast in one sitting).

The question is, should we be concerned about the effects the smartphone and social media have on our lives? If it’s happiness we’re after then according to the following longitudinal study, yes—yes we should be concerned. 

A study of teens and happiness

The ‘Monitoring the Future’ survey (funded by the National Institute on Drug Abuse), has been asking 12th-graders more than 1,000 questions every year since 1975. In 1991 the survey started to include 10th & 8th-graders. 

But wait? That’s before the internet. Uh, yes it is. Let’s continue …

The questions were designed to find out how teens spend their time doing regular teen stuff. Do they work, drive, date, exercise, go to parties, etc.? And if so, how often? In recent years, the survey included questions about involvement in screen activities such as using social media, texting, gaming, and browsing the web. 

All the while, it was quietly making note of teen happiness.  

And the survey says …

Here’s where it gets interesting.  After a thorough examination of the results, Dr. Twinge has made the following statement: 

“If you were going to give advice for a happy adolescence based on this survey, it would be straightforward: put down the phone, turn off the laptop, and do something—anything—that does not involve a screen.” 

Jean M. Twinge — The Atlantic

There wasn’t a single exception. Apparently, all screen activities are linked to less happiness, and all non-screen activities are linked to more happiness.

What to do with the information?

Now, you’re likely thinking, but that train has already left the station! How is this information remotely helpful raising children born with the proverbial silver phone in their hands? 

I’m glad you asked. 

The goal here is not to discourage. Rather it is to inspire reflection and awareness of what teens today are experiencing. 

There are many reasons why increased use of screens could lead to greater unhappiness. However, in my experience there’s one issue that impacts almost every teen (and if we’re honest, many adults too): When people have constant access to us via technology, it makes it that much harder to set and keep personal boundaries. As an example, let’s consider Colton’s experience.

Colton’s story

Colton describes himself as an empathetic person. Because of this, many of his high school friends would talk to him about their problems and troubles at home. Being the friend that everyone wanted to confide in made him feel good. Like he was doing something important; like he was someone important.

But he also struggled to set boundaries. And one friend, in particular, took advantage of this. The calls and texts from him were incessant—day and night. 

“I flinched every time the phone dinged”

“I stayed up late and had trouble sleeping. In part because I was answering texts. The next day—all day long—I would worry about my friend and what I could do to help.  The thing is, I had problems too. My life wasn’t perfect. But my friend told me he couldn’t handle talking about my stuff. In hindsight, I realize he wasn’t that great a friend. 

The same pattern repeated itself every day. My friend would vent. I would do my best to calm him down. If I stopped answering his calls, he would direct message me on every social media platform. And even text my mom or my siblings to find out where I was—manipulating me into calling him back. 

I was overwhelmed and became fearful I would say or do the wrong thing. 

This continued until one day when I was visiting my aunt in the hospital. (She had cancer and was dying). My entire family was there to say goodbye. When I left the hospital I looked at my phone. I had 60 missed calls and countless text messages! My friend knew where I was and what was happening. I thought maybe he was checking in on me. He wasn’t. He was in another crisis and needed my help. 

Stepping away from that relationship was not easy. As I said, it was intoxicating to feel needed. But the overall effect was clearly negative. I had become hypersensitive. I literally flinched every time the phone rang or dinged. I withdrew from other people in my life because all of my energy was wrapped up in this one friend. I was depleted, burned out and unhappy.

I even went through a period of substance abuse. I don’t blame my friend for that. But once you open that door, it’s not an easy one to close again. True friends should be there to help you get out of the trap. Not wallow in it with you.”

Depleted, Burned out, Unhappy

My heart goes out to every kid who feels overwhelmed by this constant bombardment of messages. When I shared this story at a recent youth leadership conference there was a hush that came over the room. In so many ways, Colton’s story tells the story of this generation. 

Kids came up to me afterward and told me how they could relate in their own way: 

“My friends are constantly asking me about homework. So much so, that I feel stressed trying to finish my own.” 

“I had this really good friend. He convinced me to get Snapchat. Then he started sending me all sorts of weird stuff. It’s like he turned into a different person. I didn’t know what to think of him after that.”

“I had a similar experience to Colton’s except we were boyfriend-girlfriend. I finally broke it off when I realized he was demanding too much of me emotionally.”

“I get vulgar texts from some guys I hardly know. I didn’t ask for them. It’s so confusing.” 

It’s a lot of pressure and mixed messages to sort through—especially at an age when teens are naturally moving away from constant parental guidance and wanting to rely on one another for support. Like Colton, many are feeling depleted, burnt out, and unhappy. 

4 tips to increase happiness in the age of social media

So what can we do to help our teens find healthy, happy relationships … even when so much of their communication experience occurs through social media? 

Start with these four talking points. 

1. Unplug occasionally. It could be during sports, hangouts, outings, special interest activities, homework, sleep. Choose specific moments throughout the day when the phone gets put away for no other reason than you’ve chosen to live in the moment. 

2. Take the big stuff offline. Sometimes we think it is easier, or safer to express our emotions through instant messaging where we can’t see the other person’s physical reactions (or body language). But when we hide behind a screen, we’re actually cheating ourselves of the opportunity to truly connect. According to Catherine Steiner-Adair, EdD teens miss developing core life skills if all their interactions take place online:

“The very thing that texting eliminates … are the lessons teens need to learn: how to calm yourself, express yourself clearly and respectfully, understand your impact on another person, and how to empathize … to be able to read their physical and emotional clues as you listen to their side of [the story] and together figure out how to go forward, each accountable for your own behaviour and its effect on one another.” 

The Big Disconnect: Protecting Childhood and Family Relationships in the Digital Age

3. Set personal boundaries and have an exit strategy. Obviously, we want to teach our kids to be empathetic and have a listening ear. But it’s also important to stress that true friendship is reciprocal and respects the need for personal space. Discuss different online scenarios that could make your teen uncomfortable. How could they get out of each one and still save face?

4. Review consent. This applies to unwanted sexual advances as well as any situation your child feels a loss of control at the hand of someone else. The practice of sending nude selfies and vulgar texts has become so commonplace in our culture that teens who send or receive these messages don’t always recognize it as a form of sexual harassment. Make sure this is clear in their mind.  

Happiness vs pornography

At this point, you may be wondering what teen happiness and connection has to do with finding solutions to the harms of pornography. Here’s the thing, kids may begin looking at porn because they’re curious. But the brain quickly learns to return to it as a coping mechanism for any number of negative feelings: loneliness, stress, worry, shame, etc. 

So whenever we can help kids find real, meaningful happiness in their relationships, it’s a huge victory in the fight against porn.

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Do you need help getting the conversation started?

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I’m inviting you to connect personally with me today. Bring me your toughest question or your biggest frustration about raising kids in this porn-saturated culture.

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Marilyn