Dear Savvy: How do I talk about masturbation with my kids?

Kids will explore their bodies. It’s natural. Should we talk about masturbation with them? If so, when? Most parents just don’t know how to begin. But ignoring the topic won’t help our children. As parents, it’s our job to help our kids make sense of even the trickiest topics, including masturbation and the danger of pairing it with pornography. 

This episode is part of our #DearSavvy series. Sometimes you just want a quick answer to a burning question. These shorter episodes are designed to give you just that. Tune in to the podcast to hear the whole scoop, and check out the show notes for helpful tools and information. If you’d like to submit a question, click here to Contact Us. 

Dear Savvy: How do I start the conversation about masturbation with my kids?

Dear Listener,

We understand this is a sensitive topic which should be introduced at the appropriate time and in a suitable environment. When and where to begin depends on your child’s age, your views on masturbation, and your style of communication. Rest assured, you do not need to have it all figured out. We’re here to equip you with a few basics to start the talk about masturbation. 

Here is what Melody and Marilyn discussed on the podcast today:

Use appropriate parameters depending on the nature of your discussion and your personal communication style. For example, Melody tends to be louder and more outspoken than most parents. She’s the “obnoxious” mom, willing to talk about any subject. Nothing is off-limits in her household, but there are boundaries. She will engage in a conversation about sex in the car and porn at the dinner table, but reserves more personal things, like masturbation, for one-on-one conversations behind closed doors. Find your comfort level and adapt the talk about masturbation based on your values, degree of comfort, and communication style.

The most non-threatening way to approach the talk about masturbation is the biology route. Some kids tend to be less “grossed out” when you refer to the body like it’s a machine and use scientific words like nocturnal emission, as opposed to wet dream.

Start the talk about masturbation by asking your child what they already know. Don’t make assumptions. Ask your child, “What do you know about masturbation?” Listen to understand, and be sensitive when responding. You don’t want them to feel judged or shamed. 

Reassure your child. Tell them it’s natural to be curious about their body.

Distinguish between the natural and the dangerous. Masturbating to pornography is a dangerous pairing. 

Laugh, relax, and carry on. You don’t have to be perfect. Do your best and recognize this is the first of many sex talks.

Related: Ep. #1-16, Sex Talks Run Amok: Laugh, Relax and Carry On

“Masturbation should not play a major role in your child’s life, either as a source of relentless guilt or as a frequent and persistent habit that displaces healthy sexual relations in the future.” —Dina Alexander

For more information…

Want more specific information about how, why and when to talk about masturbation with your children? We recommend listening to our longer, more in-depth podcast, Ep. #2-10, Addressing Masturbation Without Shame. 

Episode challenge

Each of us has different values and views on masturbation. What’s your take on it? Set aside some time for sincere reflection about your views on masturbation. If possible, talk with your spouse about it as well. Reflecting on this topic now will build your confidence when it’s time to talk with your children about it.

Do you have a question for Melody & Marilyn? You can click here to Contact Us, email us at admin@parentsaware.info, or submit your question through any of our social media platforms. We’d love to hear from you!

Links/Resources

Ep. #2-10, Addressing Masturbation Without Shame

Ep. #1-17, Sex Talks Made Easy with Dina Alexander, Educate and Empower Kids

Ep. #1-16, Sex Talks Run Amok: Laugh, Relax and Carry On

Ep. #2-20, “Ew That’s Gross!” Revisiting the Sex Talk with Kayley Lynch, mother and educational assistant

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Media Savvy Moms Podcast

Who knew honest conversations about parenting and pornography could be so approachable? Join Marilyn for a series of contemplations, chats, and interviews as she helps fellow parents tackle this challenging topic with their kids.

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