Sex Talks for Daughters

What is the most important message you want your daughter to hear from you about sex? Such a great question! We wish we had come up with it. But truly, it’s from Dina Alexander of Educate Empower Kids. Lucky us, she’s back on the podcast! This time helping us take sex talks for daughters a step beyond periods and puberty. 

We don’t have to tell you that the media isn’t very kind when it comes to women. From movies and magazines to social media and porn, women and girls are airbrushed and photoshopped, exploited, objectified, and generally made to feel like they are just not enough … or just enough to satisfy the male gaze. 

We claim to be an enlightened society, where women are respected and heard. And yet the same old dangerous sexual stereotypes repeatedly surface. Think about that. While we’re telling our girls that they can grow up to be anything they want—POWER TO THE PERIOD!—women are continually portrayed as sex objects on social media and in film and print. Is it surprising then that these scripts find their way into first kisses, dating, and eventual sexual relationships? 

Hmmm, looks like we have some work ahead of us. 

The double standard

Consider how society continues to treat boys who are sexually active compared to girls. If a teen girl is having sex, it’s not uncommon for her to be labeled as a “slut,” while teen boys get props and pats on the back. What about masturbation? Are we more comfortable with the idea of a boy masturbating than a girl? 

Most ideas about female pleasure are generally upside-down and often accompanied by guilt, shame, and embarrassment. Throw pornography into the mix and it gets that much worse! Violence and submission is the norm there. And don’t even get us started about pornography addiction and the stereotype that it’s “a guy problem.” 

Related: Ep. #1.20, Girls Struggle Too: Porn is Not a ‘Guy’ Problem

Ok, enough already! We actually DON’T spend a lot of time dwelling on the negative in this episode. In fact, it’s more of a tribute to our daughters. It’s a call to arms—a challenge to us as parents to empower our girls and teach them to value themselves in the face of so much misinformation.

Empowering daughters 

So, back to our original question. What is the most important message you want your daughter to hear from you about sex? Here are just a few highlights from our conversation with Dina about what our sex talks should include:

Build self-esteem 

Every time we talk to our girls about sex, they should walk away feeling like a million bucks. Tell your daughter how much you love her. Let her know that she is worth so much more than she thinks she is! Strong girls are healthy girls. And confident girls who value themselves are more likely to make wise decisions when it comes to sex. 

Address masturbation

How do you feel about masturbation? Know your own values and be prepared to explain why you feel that way when you have this discussion with your daughter. Regardless of your stance on masturbation, be sensitive here. Most kids do explore self-pleasure or self-soothing to some degree. Knowing and sharing that information can help keep shame at bay. 

Related: Ep. #2.10, Addressing Masturbation Without Shame

Unravel myths and stereotypes

Help your daughter set boundaries within her value-system. Think of it this way, every physical activity needs rules and boundaries—even diet and exercise. Sex talks are no different.

Talk about pornography and the affect it has on our girls. With this topic, it’s important to remember a couple of things:

• First, girls can struggle with pornography. This is normal. Girls have a sex drive just like boys do. 
• Second, a lot of media (especially porn) instills extremely harmful examples of what is “normal” and “healthy” and “romantic.” Teach her to reject these lies and help her to recognize what healthy relationships look like.

Tune in to the podcast to find out some other important issues we should be addressing when we’re having sex talks with our girls. 

Episode challenge

Talk to your child (girl or boy) about masturbation. This challenge is appropriate for ages 8 or 9 or older. Make the conversation simple, thoughtful, and nurturing. 

Before you start, examine your own feelings carefully. What events or moments in your childhood or personal history have affected your views on this topic? What kind of experiences were healthy? What made you feel ashamed and embarrassed? Talking though your concerns with a friend or spouse can be very helpful.  

Thanks for listening! If you enjoyed the show, please leave a positive review or tell a friend!

More about today’s guest

Dina Alexander, MS, is the founder and CEO of Educate and Empower Kids. She is the creator of How to Talk to Your Kids About Pornography and the 30 Days of Sex Talks and 30 Days to a Stronger Child programs. It is her life’s work to help parents, teachers and community leaders raise strong, healthy kids who use technology for good in this new digital age.

Links/Resources

Books from Educate and Empower Kids

Talking With Our Daughters About Masturbation