Are the porn talk and the sex talk related? They should be! It’s time to consider how media and porn culture are affecting our kids’ sexual development. But first we have to see our kids as sexual beings. Say what? How in the world do we get there?
*WARNING: This episode contains brief descriptions of sexually graphic content.*
You’ve heard us say it a million times, but now we have a developmental psychologist and sex educator on the show to back us up: protecting our kids from pornography all comes back to the sex talk! Actually, ongoing sex talks (plural), as we like to say around here.
In this week’s episode, Dr. Megan Maas joins us for a straightforward, no-holds-barred chat about educating our kids about healthy sexuality, pornography, and pleasure. And most importantly, recognizing and respecting them as sexual beings, which she admits, isn’t the easiest thing in the world for parents to do. However, it’s a must. After all, “at the end of the day, we want our kids to have healthy, satisfying sex—not dangerous, violent sex,” she says. We have to agree!
Tune in to the show to hear Dr. Maas’ amazing research, insights, and parenting tips on kids, porn, and the sex talk.
Expanding the sex talk
The reality is, as parents we’re competing with Hollywood and porn when it comes to the sex talk. And messages generated in the media are going to get to our kids whether we like it or not. So what are we going to do about it? Will we be silent? Or will we take action?
Related: Ep. #1-17, Sex Talks Made Easy with Dina Alexander, Educate and Empower Kids
The statistics are grim. In Dr. Maas’ research, she has found that only 50% of parents talk to kids about sex more than once, and less than 7% of parents talk to kids about pornography or pleasure. Often, the sex talk is limited to “this is where babies come from” or “wear a condom” or “don’t do it before marriage.” Period. End of discussion. This is a big problem.
If we want our kids to be empowered and safe in our media-saturated world, we need to change the discussion. Research shows that when we talk to our kids about porn and pleasure inside our values and belief system, then kids will come back to us with questions, seeking more information, says Dr. Maas. Otherwise, where will they go? To the internet. And when they do a search on these topics, what do you think they will find? Porn.
So, this is where the rubber hits the road. Who do you want teaching your kids about sex? Hollywood? The internet? Porn? Or you?
You can do this
Whether or not kids are having sex, they are becoming socially sexualized. They are absorbing sexual attitudes and ideas that permeate the culture around them. So, where does that leave us? Do you feel intimidated and overwhelmed when it comes to the sex talk? Terrified to bring up the subject? You are not alone.
Many parents worry about talking to their kids about porn or sex because they are not an “expert.” They panic about making mistakes or “doing it wrong.” Worry not! You don’t have to be an expert to protect your kids, says Dr. Maas. Her advice: “Instead, just think of yourself as a sexual socializer.” Creating a safe place for open communication and modeling healthy sexual attitudes and relationships for your kids goes a long way.
Related: Ep. #1-16, Sex Talks Run Amok: Laugh, Relax and Carry On
It’s ok to be nervous about the sex talk, especially when you get around to tricky topics like pornography. Parental jitters are normal. After all, you are human. The key is frequency. It will become easier the more you talk about it. Also, there’s a whole lot of foundation to lay before you get to the topic of pornography. For young children, start with anatomy, then talk about hygiene and caring for our private parts, and after that move on to self-touch, etc. Be mindful about milestones associated with the age of your child. Of course, the discussion will be totally different with tweens and teens. Tune in to the podcast for more!
It’s all about the brain
So, what if you’ve already taught your child about the dangers of pornography, and they get into it anyway? Have you failed? Um, hardly. Think about it. Do your kids ever do things they know are dangerous, or they know you have asked them not to do? Like scribble on the walls or run into the street? Why do they do that? It’s not because they are bad kids. They are just … kids.
We had a great discussion with Dr. Maas about kids and impulse control and how it relates to pornography. And it all comes back to brain science. Think of a car. If the limbic system is like the gas, then the prefrontal cortex is like the brakes, says Dr. Maas. Our impulses are harder to control when we are adolescents because the prefrontal cortex is not fully developed. That makes kids especially vulnerable to pornography. They may know it’s dangerous. But when their brain becomes flooded with all the addictive feel-good chemicals that porn delivers, it’s especially hard to resist.
Related: Ep. #2-17, Is My Child or Teen Addicted to Porn? with Paul Lavergne, Turning Point Counselling Services
However, all is not lost. If we step back and take a look at the rising generation, we will see that they are the most socially aware generation in history, and also some of the most connected teens outside of themselves. So let’s give them some credit! Actually, when Dr. Maas asks in a college environment, students unanimously respond that they wish their parents had talked to them more about sex and pornography. Did you catch that? It’s our call to action! Below are a few tips for amping up your sex talks. (Tune in for more.)
- Be open and conversational, not warning and punitive
- Teach them about multiple points of view
- Ask them what they think
- Let them know that you will always be there
Above all, we need to nurture our relationships with our kids. It’s up to us to give them the tools they need to thrive in our media saturated world.
Episode challenge
Pick up the phone, schedule a coffee, or go on a walk with a best friend, a spouse, or a sibling and really dig deep about the messages you received when you were a child about masturbation, pornography, and sex before marriage. These are the big three! Tricky topics to talk about with our kids, and even to figure out where we stand as adults. Getting on the same page with a co-parent—or even just getting our own parental jitters out—can help us be so much more confident when we’re talking to our kids about these topics.
Thanks for listening! If you enjoyed the show, please leave a positive review or tell a friend!
More about today’s guest
Megan Maas, PhD, is an assistant professor in Human Development & Family Studies. Her work sits at the intersection of sexual violence prevention and sexual health promotion. She received her PhD in 2016 from The Pennsylvania State University as a pre-doctoral fellow funded by the National Institutes of Health. Her award-winning research, recognized by the American Psychological Association, focuses on adolescent sexual socialization, with an emphasis on the bi-directional role that social media, sexting, and online pornography play in the development of attitudes and behavior related to sexuality and gender.
Links/Resources
How the Evolution of Porn Changed Adolescence – Dr. Maas on TEDxMSU
Dr. Maas’ Website – meganmaas.com
Dr. Maas’ Blog – sign up for the mailing list to receive her free e-book on how to talk to kids about pornography
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