Raising Strong Girls in Today’s Porn-saturated Culture

Girls struggle with porn. Perhaps we know that objectively —but as a society and more importantly as parents we have not yet come to terms with the scope of the issue. Today we are talking about what it takes to raise strong girls in today’s porn-saturated culture.

Here’s one mom’s plea for help:

“I just found out my daughter’s searching for porn,” Alana (name changed) confessed in a private Facebook group. “She’s only eleven and the images are horrific! I can’t even believe what my baby’s eyes have seen.”

[media-credit name=”Unsplash” link=”https://unsplash.com/photos/utqzIHjLons” align=”aligncenter” width=”800″][/media-credit]

“The one addiction a woman can become”

Today’s digital reality means it can be more difficult for kids (including girls) to avoid pornography than it is to find it. Jessica Harris, a fellow blogger and women’s advocate warns that porn addiction among women and girls has more profound consequences than most realize:

“Pornography is the one addiction that a woman can become. If we are not careful our silence will actually start to create porn stars.”

Recently I ran into a close friend who shares Harris’s concerns. In fact she called me out on it! —“You know I am your number one fan Marilyn, but we need to talk more about how to help our girls reject pornography!”

Learning together: Starting the conversation with a friend

I knew she was right, but was hesitant that my experience of raising boys could help rally parents to advocate for girls. So I asked her if we could spend an afternoon together discussing her concerns. Continue reading as Linda and I exchange ideas (I mostly listen) about the challenges of raising strong girls in today’s porn-saturated culture.

A smart, confident, nice young woman

PA: I know you’ve already studied many resources for parents and families on this subject. Why are you so eager to find a resource designed specifically for girls?

Linda: Hmmm, that’s a good question. I have a lot on my mind; I will try to sort through all my ideas. Maybe it will be easiest if I start with a story.

Recently I worked in an office with several other receptionists. One was in her early twenties. My first impression of her was that she was confident, nice and had a lot going for her. But it wasn’t long before she started missing a lot of work. Concerned for my new friend, I asked around.

I quickly discovered she had problems at home. She lived on her own now but had a lot of financial worries and wasn’t very stable emotionally. Eventually I learned that she would prostitute herself to earn the money she needed.

This news was very upsetting to me. This was someone I worked with —someone I liked! I wanted to know why such a smart and attractive woman would do that? I thought that self-esteem must play a large role in her decision-making. Perhaps someone had trapped her with the idea of making “easy” money. It just didn’t add up.

So now I ask myself —how can I help my girls be aware of these situations and dangers?

The age of deciding what to keep and what to reject

PA: I’m still curious why you are worried about YOUR girls. From my perspective you are doing so much to keep them safe. You have talked to them about pornography. You and your husband are very involved in their lives. And you have provided them with a comfortable home. What is your biggest concern?

Linda: First, I think anybody can be vulnerable —especially with pornography because it’s so alluring. My older girls are at the age where they are discovering the world. In a way they are deciding what to keep and reject from what their parents have taught them.

They love to take care of their bodies. They want to look pretty and be accepted. I remember those days too. I think it’s normal. But the world today is trying to involve young people in so many things that are beyond their years. I worry if they don’t have the right information they will fall into this trap that the world has set up for them.

To be honest, at the end of the day it comes down to this: I don’t know if I am doing the right things.

Raising individuals that are more than their bodies

PA: Explain to me a little more about this “trap”. What exactly is it?

Linda: I guess I am afraid they will see their beauty as just their bodies. They are very girly girls. Hair and make up is very important to them and they are only in elementary school (grade 8). This is new to me. I remember wearing makeup at their age. But not everyday! I hardly cared what I looked like at school —It was just school!

We’ve already started to have disagreements about clothing choices. Things that I think are too revealing they see as normal. And it IS normal to them because most of the advertising targeted to their age group is about beauty, body and sexuality.

I think we are more vulnerable when we focus on our appearance only. For a girl or a woman that is especially dangerous. When I went to college I knew of girls who would prostitute themselves for grades or money.

I don’t think my girls are at risk for that kind of behaviour. But I am concerned that they could send a confusing message to boys and men. I want them to be seen as individuals unique from their physical appearance. I want them to know that their body is beautiful but also private in many respects.

The lonely world of parenthood

PA: You’ve started talking to your girls about the dangers of pornography. Do you think they agree?

Linda: Well, yes. But it’s also very tricky. My husband and I are firm about when the girls have access to their phones. We have a schedule. For example they cannot use their phones past bedtime.

However, most of their friends have unlimited access to the internet. So we end up looking like the bad guys. Some days I feel like I am all alone as a parent —like everyone is teaching the opposite. That’s probably not true, I just wish more people would talk about this issue and work together. I wish we would talk about it more in our schools, churches and communities. I don’t want to feel like I am the only one saying, “Let’s take this social media thing slow.”

Sometimes I do worry I am too strict. Perhaps it is a cultural thing. I am remembering what it was like in my own country. Parents in Canada are very laid back. My children have grown up here so we are working to accommodate the differences. Still, I always worry about sexual predators. Just last week the police arrested a man in my area for possession of child pornography. I feel this is commonplace now.

Raising strong girls to seek healthy relationships

PA: A lot of people are still under the impression that pornography is a guy’s issue. How can we change the conversation to benefit women and girls?

Linda: Like I said before, anyone can be vulnerable. I also think that women can’t afford to be ignorant about this issue. I want my daughters to feel comfortable talking not just to me about pornography but their future boyfriends. When I first started learning about it myself I realized the negative impact it could have on marriages and relationships. We have to prepare our girls to know exactly what kind of relationship they might be getting into.

I think we have to teach them now how to handle future relationships. We can show them how to have honest conversations with their boyfriends (and future spouse) about pornography. We need to teach them not just how to be aware of danger, but also how to help and support each other.

Giving girls the power to say NO!

PA: Since we’re talking about relationships what would you say to girls about sexting?

Linda: At this age, it’s really important to have conversations about sexting. Teens today start here. They think, I’m not ready for sex, so let’s send naked photos. But that can really mess with body image —you start to see yourself and others a sexual object. I think it puts girls at greater risk of being treated poorly. And you can never know where those pictures will end up.

I don’t think young girls realize how much sexualized selfies are a reflection of the porn culture. They just want to be beautiful and admired. It’s tough. We have to teach our girls they have the right to say NO!

Helping girls to stand strong on their own

There’s no doubt, Linda and her husband are doing a wonderful job raising strong girls in today’s porn-saturated culture.

• They are involved in their daughter’s lives.
• They help their girls make careful choices about media.
• They speak openly about harms of porngraphy and sexting.
• They continue to educate themselves about these issues.

Along with all of the above we recommend that parents work to include daughters (and sons) in the decision making process as much as possible. For example, strategize with them on how to set reasonable parameters around phones and devices. When any child feels they have open communication with their parents amazing things happen:

• Their overall well-being & self-esteem rises.
• They recognize a greater sense of personal development.
• They have improved coping strategies when times get rough.
• They are more likely to heed their parent’s advice.

Your input will make Parents Aware even better!

Thanks to Linda for bringing this important issue to our attention. We will definitely talk more about raising strong girls in a porn-saturated culture in the coming months. We’d also love to hear your experience related to this topic. Write to us confidentially using the form below. Or ask a question of your own!

Pssst. Don’t forget to invite your friends to join the Parents Aware community by sharing this post on social media.

• About
• Latest Posts

Marilyn

Marilyn has an educational background in family processes and believes that even the most difficult conversations with our kids can be made easy. She loves to share her own experience of parenting in the digital age through writing, live speaking presentations and everyday conversations.

Latest posts by Marilyn (see all)

• Radio Station Promotes Pornography: 3 Easy Ways to Take Action - September 24, 2019
• Teens Screens Connection & Happiness - September 3, 2019
• How to Get Your Kids Talking (About Stuff that Matters) - July 26, 2019