Moms, listen up! You know the challenges of raising kids in a media saturated world. You’re constantly thinking about your kids and worrying about how they’re doing online. You’re concerned about filters, parental controls, making room for open communication, and creating safe places to talk. But when was the last time you stopped to think about how you’re doing? Is there a chance that you’ve let mom guilt take over? Maybe just a little?
Okay, we know dads feel all these feelings too; but today we’re focusing on mom. Emotions surrounding kids’ use of devices can spiral pretty quick. Let us know if this sounds familiar: “If I were a better mom my kids would be doing exactly what I tell them to do and we wouldn’t be having all these challenges.” How do we know this? We’ve been there too!
So where do these emotions come from? Are they good? Bad? Healthy? Hurtful? … Is there a better way? Life Coach Vauna Davis says that emotions are always worth exploring. They help us understand the world we live in and what we’re going through. But mom guilt, she insists, is a symptom of not putting your emotions to good use. Like building up confidence and having compassion for everyone in the family.
Keep reading (or tune in to the podcast!) because we’re going to learn how to get emotions and feelings working on our side. Yayyy! Go Mom!
Managing the big three
When it comes to kids and screens, parents worry about what might happen (or what has already happened) in three big categories:
- Content. Will our kids see something disturbing online? How often?
- Contact. What about communications we can’t monitor? There are people actively targeting kids online. Predators, cyberbullies, and even their friends!
- Conduct. Are our kids acting appropriately online? Could they be the one doing the bullying? Are they dismissing rules we set up to keep them safe?
Obsessing about what “might” happen can be a devastating thought pattern. It encourages parenting from a place of fear. And that automatically puts kids on the defensive, Vauna says. Plus, it makes us feel as if we have even less control over potentially terrible situations.
Changing our focus
Instead of staying stuck in a place of fear or mom guilt, strive to express confidence in how your family can navigate their digital spaces. When kids hear hopeful messages from parents it builds them up. Maybe they don’t act perfectly every time. Maybe they’ve already done something to break trust. But when kids know they’re supported—to learn, grow, and do better—it gives them the opportunity and the courage, over time, to make their own smart choices.
Related: Ep. #2.4, Be in the Now: Mindfulness in Parenting
That doesn’t mean we have to ignore hard feelings and our own tender emotions. On the contrary, Vauna says there’s power to be found here too. Look for her challenge below to learn more.
Start with compassion
It’s time to give yourself a break. Screens and tech use are highly charged issues in every home. Kids have their feelings. Parents have their feelings. Be compassionate with both and love everyone in the story. (Yes, even the child that’s currently causing you to lose sleep at night!)
Related: Ep. #1.3, Put Your Oxygen Mask On First: Taking Time for Self-Care When Your Kids Have Porn Problems
Vauna reminds us that we didn’t create these problems and neither did our kids. Tech today (think video games and social media) is designed to lure users on deep social and psychological levels. Likewise, sexualized material is naturally interesting. So, when our kids turn to these things—because they’re readily available!—that doesn’t indicate there’s something wrong with our kids.
Redirecting our emotions
It’s easy to get frustrated with our kids (and ourselves!). But we should direct that frustration where it belongs. For example:
- the tech industry for creating such addictive products,
- the sex industry for targeting kids, or
- the government for not taking responsibility sooner with protective measures.
Our kids are not the enemy. And we can’t afford for them to see us as their enemy either. These modern challenges exist outside of the family. They make their way into our lives. We have to think, what can we do together to stand strong?
Related: Ep. #1.5, The Internet is Broken – #FixAppRatings with Chris McKenna, Protect Young Eyes
Success is measured by how you show up
Be an example to your kids of someone who is willing to show up, learn and grow. This can be tricky. Often when things don’t go as we had hoped—when there’s trouble in the home, when a child is caught in the porn trap—our first response is: I’m a failure, I am a bad parent. We immediately lose compassion for ourselves and replace it with shame. We forget that we are also trying to figure out and navigate this new world.
We learn in the podcast that SHAME is an acronym that stands for:
Should
Have
Already
Mastered
Everything
Shame is so not helpful—to either parent or child. Better to embrace a growth mindset which allows us to choose the path we want for ourselves.
Influence and accountability
As parents, we get to choose how we show up. And our kids get to choose if they will listen and comply. They may get on board right away. They may delay (rebel) for a time. Or they may choose to walk an entirely separate path from what we had hoped. Our job is to provide a good influence and the best environment we can. But after we have done all that we can, we are not responsible for the choices kids make.
Related: Ep. #1.9, Moms Making a Difference: Instilling Core Values in Our Kids
It comes back to what is in our control. For example we can get better at influencing—especially as we learn to harness the power of our emotions. We get to choose to show up with more patience, more love, more wisdom, more of whatever we want to feel. (And less mom guilt!)
Episode challenge
Fill out the form below to download Vauna’s FREE worksheet, Managing Emotions Around Screen Time. Then tune into the “Challenge” segment at the end of the podcast and listen as Vauna walks us through how to use positive thoughts to reframe the emotions we currently feel about our kids’ use of screens.
Write down the 3 emotions you feel most when you think about your child’s use of digital devices. Next, write down the 3 emotions you would like to feel more often. Then consider thoughts that surround the negative emotions. Finally, follow the instructions on the worksheet to use the power of thought to help you create more positive emotions for yourself and your family.
Hint: it’s your thoughts (not your parenting, not your kids) that lead to mom guilt and all sorts of other unhelpful things.
Thanks for listening! If you enjoyed the show, please leave a positive review or tell a friend!
More about today’s guest
Vauna Davis is a life coach with a passion project – helping people live free from the impact of pornography. She is founder and director of Reach 10, a nonprofit helping young adults talk more openly about pornography; chair of The Safeguard Alliance of the National Center on Sexual Exploitation; and former director of Utah Coalition Against Pornography. In her life coaching practice, Midlife Confidence Coach, she helps women love their next stage of life. Vauna lives with her husband, Michael, in Springville, Utah.
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