I Panicked When my Child Confided in Me About Porn, Now What?

Don’t overreact!

Almost every article I’ve read (and written) about what to do when you discover your child is viewing pornography starts out with this advice. Nine times out of ten it comes too late—you’ve already gone down that road!

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So you didn’t have a perfect response? Well, congratulations… it’s confirmed… you’re human!

Any parent in this situation would be flooded with negative emotions. Feelings of shock, horror, anger, fear, sadness, betrayal (the list goes on and on), are normal responses. So let’s not berate ourselves if we cried, yelled or mauled our child with the biggest protective bear hug in the heat of the moment.

Whatever your first reaction was, rest assured you have not pushed your child forever away. Family dynamics are much more nuanced than that. Thank goodness! Your job now is to find a way to tell your child how much you love them. And that you would like to have the conversation over.

The work of building trust

First, give yourself credit for being the kind of parent that cares what your kid sees online. Then, once the dust settles think about how to pick up the pieces. There are sound parenting principles you can use to help create a safe place where you can build your child’s trust. Your goal should be to become their ally in the fight against pornography.

Today we’ll discuss:

• How to take in the big picture (see beyond the moment).
• Communication that boosts confidence and encourages healing.
• And why love needs to become our default response.

As you continue reading, keep in mind there is no one script that fits every family. Please adapt the following ideas to your family’s needs.

Think about the big picture and ask yourself, why?

Once you’ve discovered your child has a problem with porn, what’s your next step? Is it to simply keep them from looking at it again? Unfortunately, the drive to seek porn out usually finds its way around most filters.

A better solution is to decide what you want for your child’s future. And most importantly, why? Seeing the big picture helps us have the kind of conversation our kids need. Instead of reacting to what’s happened (past-tense), seeing the big picture shifts the focus to building good habits going forward (future).

Here are 3 reasons why I want to protect my kids from pornography (You’ll want to come up with your own list):

1. To recognize and seek out joyful experiences

I want my kids to know the kind of happiness that carries through both good and bad times throughout their lives.

Pornography is instant gratification. It sends powerful messages through the body that can feel good—compelling the viewer to return again and again. But it never satisfies. In the end, pornography robs individuals of the ability to experience joy.

2. To reach their full potential

I want my kids to find and follow their dreams; to grow their self-esteem and be confident in who they are.

Adolescence is an exciting time of discovery. The brain is specializing and deciding what it likes to do best. It forges neural pathways to make learning related skills faster and stronger.  But pornography can hijack this important development period. It’s such a powerful distraction that it literally diverts the brain’s attention away from building other dreams and aspirations. Although possible, it takes great effort to reset the brain.

3. To love and be loved

I want my kids to learn to show respect to others and be respected on an individual level and in relationships.

Pornography conditions people to concentrate on satisfying their own sexual appetite. People become objects to be used rather than individuals to be loved. I want my kids to learn to seek relationships that are built on friendship, love, and mutual respect.

Listen more, talk less

Now that you’ve got the big picture in mind, go back and evaluate your initial response. Put yourself in your child’s shoes.

• Did your words and body language effectively set the stage for an ongoing and healing dialogue?
• Could your words have mistakenly sent the wrong message, such as: my parents just don’t get what I’m going through?

Either way, you have to check in again to find out how things are going. You might be tempted to lecture (all parents are). Resist for now. After some good back and forth, put the conversation on hold so you both have a chance to think about things. The opportunity to continually come back to this conversation is crucial to their success.

Here are three tips to keep in mind:

• Talk for as long as your child is willing.
• Remain positive and reassure them of your love.
• Ask to follow up in a few days.

Hate the porn but LOVE them

No matter where we’ve gone emotionally. No matter what frustration we have with our kids. No matter what frustration we have with ourselves. If we can remember that ‘love conquers all’ then whatever communication blunders we made in the beginning will start to fade. With love, trust grows and doors open.

The trick is knowing how to respond with love every time.

This journey will try your patience. No matter how sincere their desire to quit, a child with an established habit of viewing porn will have difficulty letting go. Understand that repeat offences will occur. Punishment will only create distance between you. Avoid it! That said, your child may need help setting boundaries or limiting access to the internet. It’s ok to discuss with them strategies that could improve their chances at success.

Remember that you cannot control your child’s success. Ultimately, the desire to leave pornography alone has to come from within. Be prepared to support your child in their recovery for as long as it takes—whether that’s a few months or a few years.

COMING SOON!  Coaching Sessions from Parents Aware

At Parents Aware we continue to encourage individuals to draw support from family and trusted friends. But we’ve also been listening and know there are times when you need additional support, direction, and even courage from an experienced voice.

Stay tuned as Parents Aware prepares to launch individualized coaching sessions. Benefits will include:

• A confidential place to share your frustrations and concerns.
• Direction to resources tailored specifically to your family’s needs.
• Unwavering encouragement with specific strategy planning sessions.
• Markers to help you recognize and celebrate progress.

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