Help! My Kid is Sneaking Around the Internet Behind My Back

There are internet rules, parental controls, wifi filters, and screen limits firmly in place. You’ve got everything set according to plan—only, your kid’s got a different plan.

What we think of as today’s essential safety measures might actually doing very little to keep maturing kids from engaging in risky online behaviour. If motivated, kids will find a workaround. Filters and limits become a puzzle to solve, a wall to breach, and can even become a catalyst for teenage rebellion.

But, before we jump to the conclusion that every tech-savvy kid is lurking in the deepest depths of the dark web, let’s find out what makes kids sneak around in the first place.

Why kids sneak around

Go back in time for a minute. Remember, how as a teen you would bend one or two house rules, keep secrets from your parents, or sneak something that was off limits. How do I know you did this? All kids do. It is a way to claim independence and start feeling like a grown-up (however misguided).

I recently spoke with a friend (let’s call her Tammy) who would repeatedly sneak out of her house at night when she was only twelve or thirteen-years-old! Crazy, dangerous, and stupid, right? I had to ask, what possessed her?

“I just wanted to meet up with friends. My parents were really strict about when and where I could go out, so I took matters into my own hands. We weren’t smoking, drinking or anything like that. It was really innocent. After about an hour or so I’d walk home. Climb back through my window and go to sleep.”

Now, not every kid that defies their parents rules is acting so naively. But I still think there’s something to learn from her motivation. Tammy believed her parents rules were unreasonable. She thought she had a better plan so she acted on it.

How can I stop sneaky behaviour?

Psychologists agree the way to change behaviour long-term is to help your teen focus on what to do and stop worrying about what not to do.

Yet, as parents, our default response is to tighten the controls and set stricter rules. We may have our kid’s best interest in mind but it comes across as punitive—You were caught doing something bad. So, I’m taking measures to make sure you don’t do it again.

In Tammy’s case, someone nailed her screen window shut. Sure, it did the trick. She didn’t sneak out of the house again. But it also didn’t give her a chance to tell her parents why she was going behind their backs in the first place.

Nailing the screen window shut is the philosophy behind most internet rules, parental controls, wifi filters, and screen limits. They make parents feel better—like we’re doing something useful and important. But really, it’s just a flimsy barrier.

When trouble strikes, our kids need to know that they can come to us for help without risk of judgment and reprisal. To stop sneaky behaviour we have to pull down the barriers and start talking to our kids.

Get kids to set their own rules

Tweens and teens don’t need filters as much as they need foundational building blocks. In this case, the know-how to navigate in the digital world—a place where all information is within reach and nothing appears off limits. Parents, it’s our job to help them make sense of this world. We’ve got to have their back.

Related: Give Your Kids A Constructions Site [Media Savvy Moms Podcast]

To keep everyone happy with how the internet is being used, guide older kids to set their own standards. No one (especially teens) wants to feel controlled! But everyone (especially teens) wants to feel secure.

Quite honestly, teens are dealing with situations every day that can chip away at that sense of security. When a parent takes a minute to tell them how well they manage it all, that builds trust. You can do this during one-on-one time or in a family council.

Family council (for the love of kids)

If you’ve never had a family council meeting, try one! If it’s been a while since your last family council, schedule another. Here are three basic elements to holding a successful family council:

• Parents share a worry, concern or issue to be resolved.
• Kids put forward ideas and suggestions to solve the problem.
• The whole family agrees on a plan of action to resolve the issue.

Family councils can be scheduled formally, or happen randomly as needed. They can be about any topic. In fact, they’re a great place to practice talking about uncomfortable things! What’s more, family councils benefit parent and child equally.

• The parent has an outlet for (rationally) communicating their concern.
• The child learns that their opinions matter.
• Both feel like they have better control over the situation.

Believe it or not, tweens and teens really do care what their parents think. They may put up a tough exterior. But under it all they want to feel loved and appreciated, like anyone else. When parents take the initiative of asking their opinion, their confidence soars.

When dangerous online habits already exist

I know what you’re thinking …She has no idea what I am going through! My kid has already gotten into some dangerous habits and I don’t know what else to do.

First off, I hear you. The stakes feel that much higher today. One of life’s greatest ironies—or God’s greatest joke on parents—is that the exact time kids crave and need more independence coincides exactly with the peak increase of teen risk-factors:

• driving licenses are being issued,
• sexual interest and dating begin in earnest, and
• alcohol and drug use are common among their peers.

Add to the above list internet access, and every risk you can think of seems heightened tenfold. Unfortunately, some of our kids are going to get into some unpleasant situations. I’ve heard from too many great families to lie and tell you otherwise. In each case, the parent has come to basically the same conclusion:

“When I stopped trying to control my teen, our relationship improved. I was then able to guide them to make better decisions on their own.”

Filters work with open dialogue

I want to make it clear that filtering internet content is an essential component of every internet safety plan.

We need to be especially vigilant when children are young. It’s more common than most parents realize for small children to stumble across dangerous content online. As children grow, filters and parental controls should adapt to their expanding use of technology.

However, to be effective, these safety measures must be accompanied by parent-child talks.

Talks include an ongoing dialogue about pornography—what it is, why it’s dangerous and exactly what to do when we encounter it. Similar conversations should be had in age-appropriate ways about online bullying, requests for nude selfies, hook-ups, substance abuse, suicide threats, and other harmful behaviours.

Discuss with kids what filters and controls are in place in your home, and why. Ask their opinion. Don’t make it your plan for them. Help them create a safety plan with you. When kids understand the purposes of internet safety, they’ll be more likely to work within the parameters you set together.

Filters can’t replace the value of open dialogue.

My story

Over the years I’ve given a lot of thought—ok let’s be honest, sleepless nights—to what my role is as a parent in helping my kids develop healthy online habits.

How much should I control? How much freedom should I give? Are my kids playing too many video games? How much porn have they seen? Am I sheltering them too much? Do I trust my child with keys to the car and a cell phone? How soon can we pack up and move our family off the grid? …Seriously!

For heaven’s sake, I run a blog about pornography awareness. I know what’s out there!

A few years ago, I knew I needed to make a change. Until then, the dangerous parts of the internet were infiltrating our home. It was when I opened the lines of communication that I started seeing things from my children’s perspective, that we found ways to keep our family safe.

NOW AVAILABLE! Coaching Sessions from Parents Aware

Are you ready to make a change too?

At Parents Aware we encourage you to draw support from family and trusted friends. But we know there are times when you need additional support, direction, and even courage from an experienced voice.

I’m inviting you to connect personally with me today. Bring me your toughest question or your biggest frustration about raising kids in this porn-saturated culture.

For more information about how to connect with your coach (that’s me!), send me a confidential message below. Let’s set up a time to talk!

Marilyn

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Marilyn

Marilyn has an educational background in family processes and believes that even the most difficult conversations with our kids can be made easy. She loves to share her own experience of parenting in the digital age through writing, live speaking presentations and everyday conversations.

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