Help! My Kid is Looking at Pornography

Everybody knows it’s there. And that kids do find it. That they will look. And look again. But when it happens to you, in your home, with your kid, you feel completely caught off guard. Some parents describe it as a sucker punch. A flood of negative emotions. From anger to fear and everything in between. So what do you do when you find your kid is looking at pornography? 

There’s a growing number of resources to help parents focus on prevention. (So good.) And it seems like there are a lot of recovery options to help adults who want freedom from pornography. (Also good.) But doesn’t it feel like there’s a big gap in the conversation? As if no one wants to talk about what to do when a KID is looking at pornography? And how to help them stop? 

We get it. It feels awkward and uncomfortable. But “what to do when a kid is looking at pornography” is not something we shy away from on the Media Savvy Moms Podcast. Cycle back to past episodes and you’ll notice this is a question we ask our guests over and over. We always want to provide you with the best practical information. 

Today we’re giving you our take on this important topic. Be sure to tune in to the full episode!

Look for the silver lining

Discovering that your kid is looking at pornography never feels good. But there is a massive silver lining to this. Oh, we know it doesn’t feel like it now. But it’s actually a really good thing that you caught this early. Imagine being a kid with a big dark secret. It’s likely making you feel awful. But now it’s out in the open. What a relief! 

Kids don’t go looking for pornography because they are deviant. They go looking because they are curious. The problem is that what kids find online is almost always more information than they’re able to handle.

Related: Ep. #2-2, What is Pornhub? A Parent’s Guide

The kids who don’t get caught (or don’t tell) are dealing with this information all on their own. What appears on screen isn’t real sex. It’s violent and degrading. But kids don’t know. Left to their own, pornography can start to shape a expectation of what sex should be. Not only that but, over time, what starts out as mere curiosity can turn into an emotional need. 

Getting the answers you need

Now that you’re feeling better about helping your kid, you might be thinking that your first reaction wasn’t the best. Did you freak out? Maybe you went into panic mode? If so, know that you’re human. Lots of parents go all mama-bear, papa-bear when they see something threatening their kids.

Related: Ep. #1-18, I Panicked When My Child Saw Porn, Now What?

Just go back and tell your child or teen you need a do-over. They will understand. This time start with how much you love them. Then listen carefully. Let your child tell you exactly how they’re feeling. Every kid will have a different reaction depending on what they’ve seen. Are they upset? Confused? Intrigued? Reassure them that they are normal and that you’re there to support and help them.

What if you don’t have a clue what to say or do? It’s perfectly fine not to have all the answers all at once. And it’s ok to admit that to your kid! For now, just listen. In time answers will come. The fact that you’re here means you’re on the right track. We will continue to provide you with the best information and resources you need. 

Related: Is your teen struggling with pornography? Click here to check out Fortify – FREE for ages 13 to 17!

Why is my kid looking at pornography? 

There are three reasons why your kid is looking at pornography: availability, availability, availability. Most kids will be exposed at some point or another. That is one of the unfortunate challenges of growing up in a media saturated world. But that doesn’t answer the question … Why do good kids go back and look again? 

Related: Ep. #2-17, Is My Child or Teen Addicted to Porn? with Paul Lavergne, Turning Point Counselling Services

We’ve already talked about curiosity. Now we need to add in biology. Interest in sex is a basic human instinct. The brain is wired to light up when it sees sexualized content. Not just for adults—kids too. But kids are at a disadvantage. Their brain isn’t ready to receive this kind of information about sex. Their prefrontal cortex isn’t fully developed. And that’s the part of the brain that uses reasoning to walk away. 

That’s exactly why kids need parents. We’re here to help them figure out how to put on the brakes. We do this in all different aspects of life; dealing with pornography is no different. Our job is to coach them to make smart choices and move in a healthy direction.

Related: Click the image below to learn about filtering software from Covenant Eyes.

On the journey together 

Sometimes (usually) we try to rush processes that simply can’t be rushed. It’s easy to get frustrated a kid is looking at pornography and keeps going back. “Haven’t we already been here? Had this talk? Are we going in circles?” Try to channel negativity to where it belongs. Get angry all you want at pornography. But love your kid. They need you! 

Recovery will be on your child or teen’s timeline. In part, kids have to mature enough to actually want to be accountable. Because the pull to look is so strong, it’s important to help kids see the big picture. What are you fighting for? What are you working towards? Leaving pornography behind means more space for better relationships, interesting hobbies and thinking about where life can take us. Always think about the WHY behind the work! 

Related: Ep. #2-4, Be in the NOW: Mindfulness in Parenting 

There’s an African proverb that says, “If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together.” Trying to force a child or teen to bend to an arbitrary set of rules that makes us feel like we’re going in the right direction will only end up frustrating everyone. But loving, listening, and supporting your child through tough times will always strengthen your relationship in ways you can’t imagine. Together you will go far. 

Challenge

Whether or not your kid is looking at pornography … now is the time. Start the talk. Don’t know how? Fill out the form below to download your FREE pdf, 10 Surprisingly Natural Ways to Talk to Your Kids About Pornography. Then pick one and start talking! 

Thanks for listening! If you enjoyed the show, please leave a positive review or tell a friend!

Links/Resources

Filters, Parental Controls & Tools:

COVENANT EYES – Need great filtering software for your internet and devices? Click here to check out Covenant Eyes.

FORTIFY – Is your teen struggling with pornography? Click here to check out Fortify – FREE for ages 13 to 17!

BARK (US) – Want help monitoring your kids’ apps and social media? Click here for a FREE 30-day trial of the Bark App or download it at the app store and use our promo code: MEDIASAVVY

Podcast Episodes:

Ep. #1-3, Put Your Oxygen Mask On First: Taking Time for Self-Care When Your Kids Have Porn Problems

Ep. #1-9, My Child Saw Porn, Now What? A S.M.A.R.T. Plan for Parents with Kristen Jenson, Protect Young Minds

Ep. #1-14, My Child Saw Porn, Now What? A Faith-based Perspective with John Fort, Be Broken Ministries

*Disclosure: Some of the links in this post are affiliate links, which means, at no additional cost to you, Parents Aware/Media Savvy Moms receives a commission if you click through and make a purchase. Thanks for helping to support us in our mission to protect families from the harms of pornography.