What do you do when you’ve been taught one thing and your day-to-day experience is completely different? Things don’t add up. You question everything but have nowhere to go for answers. You start to believe that there’s no one else like you. How can I be a girl and like pornography? How can I be a woman and be addicted? Where do I place all this shame?
Jessica Harris first stumbled upon pornography at age 13. It didn’t take long for curiosity to turn to compulsion. She spent hours upon hours consuming porn and entering chat rooms on her home computer (dial-up modem). By the time she graduated high school it felt like an addiction. She was scared and she wanted out. But it wasn’t happening. She had tried and failed multiple times on her own.
Two defining, yet completely opposite, experiences in college opened Jessica’s eyes to the plight of girls and women. She was not alone! Despite what society tells girls, they do have a sex drive, they can become trapped by pornography, and there is such a thing as female addiction.
Beggar’s Daughter: From the Rags of Pornography to the Riches of Grace is Jessica’s beautifully written response to these experiences. She tenderly tells about her own struggles with pornography, and her path to healing and recovery. Her hope is to give women a voice in this conversation. We encourage you to read it and share it. Let her words change your perspective.
But first, listen to the podcast! Here Jessica shares what we can do to improve the conversation we’re having with our own daughters.
Good intentions, dangerous results
Like many of us, Jessica grew up in a space and culture where no one talked about sex. The topic was totally off-limits, especially for girls. Save sex for marriage. Period. End of discussion.
It happens. Well-meaning parents attempt to keep their kids safe by avoiding a topic like sex or pornography completely, hoping they will never encounter it. But Jessica said that only made things more confusing. She had found a world where she could be something completely different. And technically, she wasn’t breaking any of the rules. She wasn’t actually having sex, right?
But oh, did she have questions! She felt lost, confused, and alone with her secrets. And she was left to wonder … what is good or bad? Was there something wrong with her? Was this normal? There was no safe place to have this conversation, she thought. At school she was the star student; at church she was the good girl (the Bible-verse champion!); and at home she was the apple of her mother’s eye.
Trying to protect her, the adults in Jessica’s life had unintentionally erected walls of miscommunication, leaving her trapped with her dark secrets, destructive habits and painful shame.
Related: Ep. #2-12, Sex Talks for Daughters with Dina Alexander, Educate and Empower Kids
Alone, in female addiction, no longer
Freedom from pornography did come eventually, but only after Jessica learned that she was not alone in her struggle. Knowing that female addiction is real made all the difference. Getting to that point was not easy, however. Even today, 15-plus years after her struggle began, there are still some who would dismiss her story.
“Women just don’t have this problem.” These are the words Jessica heard as a first year college student. She was sitting across the desk from her dean—a woman. Jessica was attending a private Christian college and her internet use was monitored. There, between them, was a file with her whole viewing history. It was long and detailed.
Jessica was nervous, but also thought she might finally get help. She was crushed when her dean assumed that she had shared her internet password with the men on campus. The message was clear: porn is a guy’s issue; girls don’t have this problem! Listen to the podcast to learn her reaction.
Fortunately, her second year of college was at a new campus. There, the staff hosted a women’s meeting. They talked about hooks and strongholds and how to overcome them. And then the speaker said this: “We KNOW some of you struggle with pornography and masturbation and we’re here to help.” Jessica said the air left the room. But for her, it was when her life changed. She was no longer alone.
Related: Ep. #1-20, Girls Struggle Too: Porn is Not a ‘Guy’ Problem
Vulnerabilities of a teen girl
Reflecting back, Jessica says as a teen she was a people pleaser. She wanted the adults in her life to be proud. And she wanted her classmates to like her. Her career aspirations were to become a doctor. It sounds noble, she had the grades; but really it was the impressive thing to do … for anyone watching.
Navigating addictive behaviors increased her desire to present herself as if everything was OK. Like many girls, Jessica thought that if she excelled at everything else in her life, it would make up for her inner struggles with pornography. Actually, the opposite is true. Overcompensation pumps up shame—reinforced by setting high standards and then not reaching them. “I was supposed to be this perfect person, but behind closed doors, I was far from it,” Jessica said.
Consuming pornography became her main goal. In high school she would use their computers to access erotica (pornographic literature). Once home, she would spend hours viewing porn until her mom came home. When she entered college she would watch in her dorm room when her roommate was asleep. Then she had to skip classes the next day because she was so tired.
“I was living a lie,” she said, “wearing mask after mask. And finally, I figured, if I’m never going to be free, then I might as well succumb. I thought, if I’m going to be true to who I am, then if I’m not going to be a doctor, I’m going to be a porn star.”
Conversations with our daughters
Jessica did break free. She found a way because someone took the time to acknowledge her struggle—the reality of female addiction—and held out a lifeline. Will we have the power and courage to do the same for the girls in our lives?
Porn addiction is not a “guy thing.” We are all human. We all have a sex drive. Therefore, we are all vulnerable to the harms of pornography. Teach girls to reject pornography. But also teach that girls who struggle are not the outliers. Keep the doors of communication open.
When Jessica speaks to audiences of college-age women and teen girls, she now assumes that 75-100% have been exposed to pornography and may be struggling to some degree. “My story is now becoming an old story,” she says. Porn has become so normalized for this generation that many young people (or their peers) don’t know why we’re concerned.
Sexting for acceptance
Nowadays, there is huge pressure around sexting, Jessica says. Girls sext because they want acceptance. This should be a huge focus in our conversations when we’re talking to our daughters. We need to help them learn what true acceptance, love, and connection look like—that it does NOT involve standing in front of a webcam.
Related: Ep. #1-15, Kids Trading Nudes or “Sexting”: Have You Talked About It?
And above all, we need to have honest, open, ongoing conversations. Talk about what’s healthy and safe when it comes to female sexuality. Be the antidote when it comes to harmful messages from our media saturated world. It’s so important to establish a safe place where our kids can talk to us about anything.
Episode challenge:
This week, take time to sit down with your child, and have them tell you their life story. You likely already know much of it. But ask them to tell it from their perspective. If you listen well (no judgement), you will learn more about how they view their own lives.
Thanks for listening! If you enjoyed the show, please leave a positive review or tell a friend!
More about today’s guest
Jessica Harris is an international speaker, creator of beggarsdaughter.com, and author of the book, Beggar’s Daughter: From the Rags of Pornography to the Riches of Grace. She’s one of the leading voices in the conversation about the sexual struggles of women in the church and how we can meet those struggles with grace. She lives in Maryland with her husband and their baby girl and has recently released a devotional for moms. She is passionate about having open and honest conversations about sex and sexual struggles because she believes if you’re silent about the struggle, you’re silent about grace.
Links/Resources
Beggar’s Daughter (website)
Beggar’s Daughter: From the Rags of Pornography to the Riches of Grace (book)
Love Done Right: Reflections (book)
Disclosure: Some of the links in this post are affiliate links, which means, at no additional cost to you, Parents Aware/Media Savvy Moms receives a commission if you click through and make a purchase. Thanks for helping to support us in our mission to protect families from the harms of pornography!
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