Help! My Spouse is Addicted to Porn: Parenting Through Betrayal Trauma

Parenting is hard enough … but add a spouse who’s actively using pornography and life can often feel unbearable. So how do you do it? How do you balance both at the same time? 

We talk about hard stuff on our show, but this topic feels even more tricky than usual. This show might not apply to your situation. But more than likely, it will apply to at least one woman you know—whether you are aware of it or not.

Protecting kids from porn. That’s hard work. Family dynamics are complicated enough. Marriage, kids, work, parenting. But what about when your spouse is addicted? That’s a whole different ball of wax. According to our guest today, Anne Blythe, founder of Betrayal Trauma Recovery, most women—even those doing recovery work alongside their husbands—are not getting the help they need.

IMPORTANT: We understand that husbands are not always the ones who become addicted to pornography. We recognize that women are also susceptible to porn addiction. That is a topic for another time. Betrayal Trauma Recovery works specifically with wives of addicts.

Related: Ep. #1.20, Girls Struggle Too: Porn is Not Just a “Guy Problem”

Living with the tiger

Betrayal trauma is ongoing emotional and psychological abuse that comes with a spouse’s compulsive use of porn and may extend to sexual coercion and/or infidelity. It’s usually accompanied by a strong sense of entitlement. Putting one’s needs over another’s. If you truly loved me, you would overlook my flaws and put up with my demands.

We once heard it explained this way: Soldiers who return from a combat situation are often treated for post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Ideally, they heal from their trauma and move on with their lives. However, a woman who is suffering from betrayal trauma does not get to “come home from the war.” Instead, imagine she is attacked by a tiger. And then she has to live with that tiger every day. 

A woman can’t heal while the trauma is ongoing. Something has to give. That is what Betrayal Trauma Recovery is for. It’s a safe place where women can find immediate help, resources, counseling, and support. She learns to recognize unhealthy patterns and combat them in healthy ways. 

Parenting through trauma

So how is a mother supposed to keep up with the rest of her life while she’s being attacked by a tiger?!? A lot of Anne’s advice applies to ALL of us, whether we’re living in an abusive situation or not. Here are a few tips: 

• Enlist help from loved ones 
• Establish your personal values and then model them for your children 
• Be an example of healthy living and behavior
• Set boundaries around unhealthy behaviors and communicate them to your children 
• Give yourself permission for personal time-outs 

Strive for emotional health

If there was one takeaway that we loved most from our interview with Anne, it was that “emotional health is the #1 way to protect your children.” 

• Be an example of healthy living for your child
• Be direct when speaking to children about sex and pornography
• Set consistent boundaries in the home (for yourself and children)
• Learn to be a good communicator

We all go through hard things. And it can be tempting to let ourselves go and take care of everyone else. But that should NOT be an option. You need to be emotionally healthy in order to model healthy living for your children (see first bullet). Take care of yourself because you matter, you deserve it and you are worth it! 

Related: Ep. #1.3, Put on your oxygen mask first

Episode challenge

When we are in a crisis situation, we can get distracted and end up neglecting the basics—which only makes things worse. Stop right now. Take a moment and identify your immediate needs. (Am I hungry? Tired? Cold?) Then find a way to meet them.

Thanks for listening! If you enjoyed the show, please leave a positive review or tell a friend!

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More about today’s guest

Anne Blythe educates women about how to safely and effectively navigate their husband’s—or ex’s—abuse and establish peace in their homes and families. She is founder of Betrayal Trauma Recovery and is certified by the Association of Partners of Sex Addicts Trauma Specialists (APSATS). She is also the producer and host of the BTR Podcast. Anne is a frequent speaker on other podcasts, webinars and conferences, and has appeared at the National Center on Sexual Exploitation Global Summit, Avaiya University Breaking Free From Abandonment & Betrayal Online Conference, and the Utah Coalition Against Pornography (UCAP), among many others. 

Links/Resources

Betrayal Trauma Recovery provides a website packed with resources, a daily support group, and a podcast for women needing immediate refuge from the pain and chaos caused by their spouse’s emotional and psychological abuse.