Masturbation. There are probably as many ways to address this topic as there are families. The question is, how do you start the conversation with your kids?
Okay. We’ll admit it. We were nervous about having this talk too.
In fact, the last time we felt like this was probably before an election. You know that feeling? When you have intensely passionate emotions about an issue or candidate? And you just KNOW you are right—and everyone else is wrong! And then you speak out (or post something on social media) and find out that even some of your best friends are in a different camp. What?!
Masturbation is like that. It’s a topic that evokes strong emotions. It makes us blush. It might even bring up childhood memories that trigger guilt or shame. However, when paired with pornography—as it often is in our digital world—it’s another issue altogether.
So where do we start the conversation with our kids?
This is not a cop-out
We’d love to give you an easy step-by-step script that you can just plug into for this topic. But we can’t do that. Is masturbation okay or not? Only you can decide how to address that question for your family. We’re not going to take a side today—for this episode, we are Switzerland.
That might sound like a cop-out, but here’s the deal: There are far too many nuances—too many different experiences, families, histories, and contexts—that we wouldn’t even begin to understand unless we were in your shoes!
So, while we can’t tell you exactly WHAT to say and WHEN, we do have ideas on HOW to get you there.
First, choose your camp
Modern culture and pornography demand that we talk to our kids about masturbation. This means we need to get clear on where we stand. We get that this might take some major soul-searching. (We had to do it too, as we prepared for this show!) So, grab your psyche and parental instincts and hang on for the ride!
Yup, it’s important to examine your feelings on the topic. Ask yourself some tough questions. (There’s a whole list for you inside the episode.) Maybe you don’t have much of an opinion yet. Likely, it wasn’t discussed much when you were growing up. Or maybe it was. Perhaps in a negative or shameful light. Or not!
The beauty of figuring out where you stand is that you’ll feel more prepared to talk to your child. And you’ll be able to explain why without adding any shame to the conversation.
When to start the conversation
Many parents ask, “When should I talk to my kids about masturbation?” We recommend a window between ages 8 to 11. You know your kids. You will feel when the time is right. Follow your child’s developmental milestones.
Under age 8, the talk might revolve around self-touching (an innocent, sex-less act of self-exploration). This is vastly different than masturbating for sexual pleasure (which involves hormones, fantasy, and sexual awareness). Masturbating to porn–a dangerous pairing–is another conversation still. One that should be included as we talk about sexual health vs. pornography.
With children ages 3 to 7, focus on body safety and protective information—a topic we will address in a future episode. Of course, if early exposure to pornography is involved, this would change the conversation.
Related: Ep. #1.9. My Child Saw Porn, Now What? A S.M.A.R.T. Plan for Parents
How to start the conversation
For some parents, starting this conversation might be as easy as asking, “Hey, are you masturbating?” (Seriously, this is what a few told us they would say.) But others might feel the need to set the stage and put things in context. Here are some ways to do that:
- Talk about human intimacy and relationships, and then lead into masturbation.
- From a faith perspective, talk about sex as a power that involves learning self-mastery.
- Discuss the wonders of the human body, self-exploration, and pleasure.
- Start with biology and sexual maturation and include a discussion about erections, ejaculation, and nocturnal emissions (also the female equivalents).
Related: Ep. #2-12, Sex Talks for Daughters with Dina Alexander, Educate and Empower Kids
Why have this conversation?
So, maybe you’re wondering, “Why do I even need to talk to my child about this?” Maybe your parents never talked to you. That’s pretty common. However, think about the messages our kids have to sort through from media, social media, friends, church, family, school … the list goes on and on.
Our kids are going to hear lots about masturbation over the course of their adolescence. Some messages might be (hmmm, so-so) healthy. Others will be downright dangerous. But none will be able to speak to your child according to their needs. Only you as their parent can do that. It’s up to you to create a safe place where your kids can talk to you about anything—even masturbation!
Related: Do Schools Encourage Students to View Pornography?
Our kids are learning self-mastery on many levels. No matter what your view is on masturbation, teach them how to be sexually healthy. Listen to the show to hear the most important points to emphasize when you’re teaching your kids about this topic.
Episode challenge
Find and review three resources about masturbation: one that is more strident, one that is more liberal, and one that closely aligns with your own opinion. You can even count listening to this episode!
The point is to explore multiple sides of the issue. (Get mad if you have to!) Then reflect on your own opinions. When you know where you stand, go and have a great conversation with your kid.
Thanks for listening! If you enjoyed the show, please leave a positive review or tell a friend!
Links/Resources
Ep. #1.4. Give Your Kids a Construction Site: Creating a Safe Place for Difficult Discussions
Ep. #1.16. Sex Talks Run Amok: Laugh, Relax and Carry On
Ep. #1.17. Sex Talks Made Easy with Dina Alexander, founder of Educate and Empower Kids
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