5 Parenting Rules to Live By: Surviving the Digital Age

Parenting is no easy task. We make rules. We set boundaries. But will they stick? Wondering how to get your kids to listen?

Let’s face it. Parenting isn’t what we always imagined it would be. 

Once upon a time, when we were young and childless, and we walked past a little person screaming bloody murder in a store, we might have thought to ourselves, “That will NEVER be MY child!” And then, years later, it was our child. And as we stared down at our tiny tantruming tot and watched the others walking by wagging their heads at us, we thought … ah, the circle of life.

Yes! This is real life. And we are real parents. And we have those moments—the tantruming-in-the-aisle-at-the-store moments. But we’d also like our children to listen sometimes too. Right? So how do we do that? How do we get our kids to be on our team? And that goes for tots and teens and everything in between…

Turns out there are a few tried and true “parenting rules” that work wonders getting kids to warm up to advice and guidance from mom and dad. But it goes both ways. These rules also help to ground us in realistic expectations. 

5 parenting rules to live by

#1 Rules work best with a ‘why’

When kids are little we create tons of rules to keep them physically safe. Consider the classic, “look both ways before crossing the street.” For some, just hearing the rule might be enough. But most kids will test the limits unless they understand why. And so we add … “because we want you to grow up big and strong and not get hurt by passing cars.”

It’s the same with pornography. It’s not enough to say, “Don’t look at porn. Porn is bad.” We need to carefully talk with our kids about the many ways that porn harms. 

Kids crave context and information. It allows them to think for themselves. That way, when faced with a dangerous situation they’re better equipped to handle it. They’re not just processing how this could upset mom or dad. 

Critical thinking is something we should help kids develop over time.  

Related: Ep. #1.9, My Child Saw Porn, Now What? A S.M.A.R.T. Plan for Parents 

#2 Know when to say NO

When Marilyn’s kids were little (and pushing her buttons) her mom passed along this advice:  “Say yes as much as possible; and if you can’t say yes, say maybe.” 

That may sound counter-intuitive, but it works! Starting with a positive response allows room to negotiate and discuss what that yes looks like. For example: “—Can I go hang out with my friends?”

“—Yes, but this is what I need to know first.” Or, 

“—That sounds fun … maybe. Let’s talk more about these plans.” 

Getting kids to verbalize and think through the details of their plans, gives them the opportunity to foresee potential risks or conflicts of interest from their own perspective. Good practice at any age.

Reserving a no for times it’s absolutely necessary gives it more weight. Your kids will think—whoa this is serious. 

We get it. The odd “because I said so” is going to slip through. That’s OK. Just get in the practice of saying yes, maybe and explaining why on the good days.

#3 Be intentional about how you connect

What do you do when your kid loves sports and you haven’t got a clue who’s in the playoffs? Or what if your kid loves theatre and song, but you don’t have a musical bone in your body? 

Yup, you know it! For the love of your kids, you push beyond your comfort zone. And it’s so worth it. Because it’s not the sport or the theatre that you’re connecting with—it’s your kid.  

Along with following your kid’s interests, it’s important to connect with them on topics of sex, relationships, and pornography. We can be so good at connecting on so many levels. And still miss this.  

#4 Prepare for frustration, heartache, and anger (er… I mean, disappointment)

The truth is, kids are going to do things that break our trust. This seems to be a universal part of growing up and parenting.  Whether the infraction is major or minor, what will help you and your child move forward?  We like this advice from @teenconnectivity (Instagram): 

[Quote]  “The most effective parenting strategy that you can immediately put into effect is to tame your own reactivity.”

We can try (with the best intentions) to get our kids to modify their behavior, but so often positive change hinges on how we, as parents, react. We discuss: 

• To punish; or not to punish?
• Helping your child to set parameters
• Kids and their creative solutions

#5 Be flexible & be kind to yourself

Every child comes with their own unique personality. There’s very little that can prepare you for all the curve balls that are going to come your way. You either learn to be flexible or your children will destroy you— joking, not joking!

Parenting is evolutionary for sure. You will say and do things you swore would never happen. At times, you have to swallow your words (and your pride right along with them). 

Focus on the things you can control. There will be plenty of things you think you can control; but you really can’t. Think back to your child as a newborn: their eating, pooping and sleeping schedule was out of your hands. The same rules apply in different circumstances as they get older.  

When you are trying to create boundaries, recognize that one rule doesn’t apply to all circumstances—or ages.

Related: Ep. #2.4, Be in the Now: Mindfulness in Parenting

Episode challenge

This week, make a goal to get outside your comfort zone and do something fun with your child—something that they love—even if it’s not your favorite thing. 

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Start Talking Today

Want to start talking to your kids about tricky topics, but don’t know how? We’ve got you covered! Click below to download our FREE guide, “10 Surprisingly Natural Ways to Talk to Your Kids About Pornography.”